


Privileged Information

by Annsabella



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:55:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 38,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28559445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annsabella/pseuds/Annsabella
Summary: Some family secrets don't always stay secret.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 22
Kudos: 54





	1. Chapter 1

It was a misunderstanding with the Breen. Isn’t that how most tragedies start? What was left of the ship and the dead crew of the _Vespucci_ were brought home. They had been sent to investigate a phenomenon that was like The Einstein Cross. It resides in a galaxy situated between Earth and a quasar eight billion light-years away which creates a “gravitational lens” that bends the quasar’s light. However, this one began to form in the Alpha Quadrant near the Breen homeworld. 

Whether they got careless or got too close to their border for the Breen’s liking is uncertain. What could be ascertained, was that the science vessel never stood a chance. Their hull had been breached in multiple areas, and why the Breen didn’t destroy the ship all together was anybody’s guess. Perhaps the _Vespucci_ got in a lucky shot and damaged the patrol ship which forced them to retreat before they could finish the job. At this point it didn’t matter, the ship was a massive wreck and the crew was dead. All that was important now, was determining who the crew were so their families could be notified and their bodies returned for funeral rights, but with the information the Doctor found, he wished in some ways that the ship had been destroyed. 

He was tasked at Starfleet Medical, once the few bodies were delivered and relativity still intact, to begin the arduous task of determining their identities. The bodies had been so contaminated by gamma radiation that it had seeped into their cellular structure, making it an almost impossible challenge to recover any piece of the victims that could be used to make the determination. It had taken almost a month of intensive work on the eight bodies recovered out of a crew of seventy-five, to make the identification. 

It was the remains of Commander Lilith Walsh, first officer of the _Vespucci_ that had given him pause once he’d made the discovery. He had to run the tests more than once, just to be certain he hadn’t made a mistake. He had done the same with the other seven just to be sure he hadn’t overlooked anything there either. All the tests had come back with the same results, which only deepened his sense of uneasiness. 

He didn’t want to bring in someone he knew in on this matter, preferring to obtain an opinion that was completely free of any bias. He had a good working relationship with the Director of Starfleet Medical, Doctor Beverly Crusher, so it was to her he turned to request a personal favor. She eventually agreed, finding the time to make herself available to come and look. The other seven bodies by this time had already been sent to their families. When she reviewed his findings, she had been surprised but did not feel this to the same extent as he did. 

“I can have someone else make contact with the family if you prefer,” Crusher offered.

“No,” he replied quickly, “I won’t pass this on to someone else, regardless of how uncomfortable the knowledge is.”

She gave a nod and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, “I know how hard this will be for you. No one enjoys being the bearer of bad news. However, in this case, you’ll show the sensitivity something like this deserves.”

He gave her a weak smile. Hers was returned with a bit more confidence. 

“I’ll do it now,” he said taking a simulated breath, a subroutine of his programming which made him appear more human. 

She gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder before leaving the room. 

***

Kathryn Janeway sat on the porch swing with a glass of wine in her hand and a soft smile on her lips. The sun was going down on her mother’s farm in Bloomington, Indiana as she watched Chakotay interacting with her mother Gretchen in the garden. A figure entered her peripheral vision, but she didn’t have to look to know who it was. 

Her sister Phoebe took the seat next to her, a glass of wine in her hands. She took a sip and watched, neither of them feeling the need to say anything now. Although they couldn’t hear the conversation, they could see their mother on Chakotay’s arm and pointing to a row of vegetables here and there. At some points they would stop, she would release his arm long enough to bend down and pick a ripe tomato or green bean before handing it to him. She would encourage him to take a bite, and from the distance they were, could see he seemed pleased by the taste.

“I guess I’m off the hook now,” Phoebe said before taking another sip of wine.

Kathryn’s smile widened, “You’ll never be off the hook,” then took a sip from her glass.

She sighed, “I suppose that true. Mom will never be happy until she sees us both partnered up.”

“That’s true,” Kathryn agreed. 

“But I will have one thing going for me now,” Phoebe said, the same lopsided smile forming on her lips that she shared with her sister, a trait passed down from their mother, “She won’t be bugging me for grandchildren.”

Kathryn scoffed, “I’m way too old now to start having children.”

“Doesn’t matter, she’ll still want them anyway. Besides, does Chakotay know that?”

“We’ve never discussed it,” she replied taking a longer sip from the glass, feeling uncomfortable with the current topic. 

“Maybe you should,” and took another sip from her glass as well. 

She took a quick look at her sister before allowing her eyes to settle back onto Chakotay and their mother, “We’ve only been a couple for a short time. I think we both need time to make sure our new relationship is going to work before we think about anything else right now.”

“You’ll get no arguments from me, but a year isn’t that short of a time Kat. You also know mom, she sees it differently, and she’s not getting any younger you know.”

“I know,” Kathryn said with a sigh. 

“And what if he is?”

“Is what?”

“Wanting children. I’d find out sooner rather than later if it’s something he’s keen on. The last thing you need is to find out that this is something he is hoping for one day.”

She was right, of course, but it was the last thing she was honestly worried about right now. They’d had only one discussion about where they saw their relationship going. At the time, someone had unintentionally planted a seed of doubt in her mind. She and Chakotay had been going through a rough patch in their professional relationship which had bled over into their personal one. They had had radically different opinions in the past when they were just close friends and trying to get home from the Delta Quadrant, but they weren’t having a romantic relationship then.

Their perspectives in those situations couldn’t have been more at odds even if they tried. It had caused a few rifts in their friendship, separating the gap between them for a while during and afterward. Eventually, they would make up, realizing how important it was for their professional and personal association to overcome any disagreements. They needed to be a united front for the crew, showing them that just because you don’t agree with someone doesn’t mean you can’t find a way to keep the lines of communication open and overcome any stumbling blocks.

When they got back to Earth, there had been too many responsibilities pulling them in opposite directions for anything other than friendship to exist between them. Both had received promotions, and both had new challenges to tackle. Chakotay had been assigned to Captain _Voyager_ after completing a command course, and she had not only been working from behind a desk but having to perform ambassadorial duties for several months afterward, including new command training of her own. 

That first year back had been fraught with challenges, which didn’t leave time to maintain any friendships, new or otherwise. Romance of any kind for her was completely out of the question, and it wasn’t as if she’d been given much time to consider one either, even if she had realized she was feeling lonely. It wasn’t until her duties began to slow down somewhat, and she was finding a comfortable rhythm between her work and personal life, that she realized how much she missed him.

She had learned when she was visiting with Tom, B’Elanna, and Miral, to see the couple's new baby Michael, that Chakotay and Seven had stopped seeing each other. Tom had been promoted to Commander and serving as his first officer by then, and the information had only been disseminated when Tom and B’Elanna were filling her in on what their _Voyager_ family had been up to during her visit. She hadn’t had the time to keep up with everyone, much less any personal details about their lives. 

It had got her thinking about how much she missed him, not realizing how much she had been suppressing her feeling about the sudden and unexpected relationship between him and Seven during that first year especially. Everything had taken a backseat then, all that mattered was performing well in her new position as Admiral. They began talking again, and the easy friendship that existed between them felt as if no time had passed, once again becoming completely comfortable with each other. 

When he said he would take some leave while _Voyager_ was receiving some much-needed upgrades, he would be stopping in San Francisco for a day or two before heading out to Ohio to visit his cousin, and did she want to get together for dinner. She did, stating she would cook for him as she had in the old days. They’d laughed about it, but what he didn’t know was that she’d been taking a few culinary classes as a means of trying to improve her skills strictly for her benefit, her time in the Delta Quadrant forcing her to realize that she should have paid more attention when her mother was trying to teach her some basic cooking skills when she was growing up instead of classifying it as a waste of time. She had made them dinner, and he was pleasantly surprised by how delicious the meal was, jokingly convinced that she couldn’t have made it. 

When the meal ended, they retired to the living area for drinks, like they had in the old days. It was then that the conversation had turned to romance, and if she had been seeing anyone, which she wasn’t. She had asked the same question of him, and he advised the same. It was then, without intent, that she told him in her way that she felt more than just friendship for him, causing him to admit the same. 

They found themselves in the other’s arms soon after, exploring with tentative kisses and touches before passion began to override any previous awkwardness and uncertainly. They had made their way to the bedroom, where their licentiousness had driven them to a night of lascivious lovemaking. The following morning, they had discussed how their relationship should proceed from there over breakfast, and both coming to the agreement that they could no longer see their lives progressing without the other being an integral part of it. 

The first few weeks had been wonderful and couldn’t remember the last time she had been so happy with her life. When he had to return to _Voyager_ to resume his duty as Captain, it had been difficult at first. She was so used to him being there when she got home, sharing her bed with him. He seemed to know how to hold her in just the right way as they fell asleep each night that she couldn’t remember having been so comfortable and at peace with herself, falling asleep faster than memory served. 

When she received orders to go to the Grarqreod homeworld to act as an ambassador and representative for the Federation to initiate first contact, she had been given carte blanche to choose the ship that would take her there, she chose _Voyager_. The choice was made for both personal and professional reasons. It would give her a chance to spend some time with Chakotay and at the same time, he was someone she could trust to help her make sure the mission went well. It was already a nerve-wracking experience without having to worry if the captain and crew who were taking her there would cause a diplomatic incident. 

She knew Chakotay ran a tight ship, Tom and B’Elanna having confirmed that information when she was visiting with them a while back. His years in the Delta Quadrant and the new command courses he had to undertake only reinforced his desire for his ship to run like a well-oiled machine. 

One of his security officers, Lieutenant Jasmine Johnson, was a woman who thought romance was a waste of time. Her previous experiences having jaded her on the subject. She had overheard her speaking to another officer in Voyager’s messhall during lunch. She hadn’t intended to eavesdrop on their conversation, but she had been speaking loud enough for Janeway to hear her from the table behind them in the corner. 

She had been waiting for Chakotay at the time to join her when the unintended eavesdropping occurred. Lieutenant Johnson had had a series of bad relationships and was feeling bitter about it. The last man she had been dating was someone she had known for years and considered a close friend but had never considered dating until years later. It reminded her of her and Chakotay, having been close friends for years, losing touch, then finding one another again. According to her, he broke off the relationship, feeling they had been better as friends.

It wasn’t unreasonable to consider why it could have happened. Some people who’ve been friends for years might decide to change the nature of their association with a romantic one. Then suddenly find out that it doesn’t always work out the way they imagined. She didn’t pay that much attention to it at the time, but later, as the mission wore on, she and Chakotay were finding their professional disagreements spilling over into their personal relationship. It was only then; she began to have doubts. 

They had never worked together under these types of conditions before, and unlike when she was a captain and was only responsible for her ship and crew, which were well within the realm of things she could control, she was now an admiral and having to see a much wider picture than what her previous position required. It was only after she had decided to have an adult conversation and discuss the strain of what the new professional association was causing between them that they both agreed to exercise a greater understanding of their perspective positions and give the other some leeway, that both relationships began to improve and grow stronger. 

She could hear the internal com unit sound from within the house and felt it was a good time to break away from the conversation before her sister had any other grand ideas about discussing other uncomfortable topics. 

Phoebe sat on the porch swing, watching her mother and Chakotay leave the garden and begin to take a stroll toward the small pond they had on the property. Their mother had plenty of questions for him, wanting to get to know the man her eldest daughter had decided to bring home to visit. She had to admit, she was curious about him too. 

She and Kathryn had never been close, having vastly different personalities and interests, but did love her. However, to see them during their teenage years and on into their twenties, one might have predicted homicide rather than reconciliation. It had only been within the last few years since Kathryn returned from the Delta Quadrant, she realized that if she didn’t let all the petty differences go, they’d never be able to have any kind of adult relationship, so she swallowed her pride and extended the olive branch, and thankfully, Kathryn had accepted.

By the time she finished her wine, she began to wonder what was taking so long. If the call was for their mother. Kathryn would have taken a message, and that would have been the end of it, leaving her to conclude that the call must be for her. Someone obviously couldn’t wait until her leave was over to make contact.

Most of her had resented her sisters’ position. First as captain, then as admiral until she made a fragile peace with it. It was the same positions that had taken away so much of their father’s time while they were growing up. Kathryn was just like him in many ways, following in his footsteps. She could have never lived that life, following orders, love of duty, and honor. Art had always been her passion and thrived on creativity. 

Hearing the screen door open, she looked over and was immediately struck by the look of shock on her sister’s face. Setting down her empty wine glass on the porch she stood and faced her. She had never seen her like this before, even when they were growing up. The longer she stood, seemingly to be staring at nothing, alarm bells began to sound in her head, “You’re starting to scare me, Kat. What’s wrong?”

It took a moment for Kathryn to meet her eyes, still having trouble processing what she’d just been told, “I…need to speak to mother.”


	2. Chapter 2

It was the only words Kathryn uttered before stepping down the three steps of the porch and walked far enough out into the yard that she could see what direction her mother and Chakotay had taken. Finally, she spotted them by the pond sitting on a wooden bench her mother had built for the property years ago.

Phoebe had been stunned by the behavior, feeling a sudden rush of unexplainable anxiety as she followed, “Kat, who was on the com?” Her sister said nothing as she slowly made her way toward the pond. Still following, she grasped her by the upper arm and ran around to stand in front of her. Holding her by both arms she stared intently into her sister’s face, “Kathryn, who was it?”

It was then that she began to see her for the first time and replied, “A friend.”

“What friend?” She demanded, more out of alarm than anything further at this point. By her sister’s adverse reaction, it had to be something so unexpected, so life-changing that it left her numb, barely able to function as she normally would. Didn’t Starfleet train people like her sister to accept unthinkable information and be unphased by it? “What friend Kathryn? What did they say to you?” She pushed.

She shook her head slightly, unable or unwilling to give her a straight answer, “I need to speak with Mother first,” then pulled away from her. Phoebe continued to follow, keeping a few meters behind her as they reached the pond. 

It was Chakotay who had first noticed the look on her face, immediately erasing the smile from his lips and go to her, “What is it, Kathryn?” 

Placing a hand on his chest, she stood facing her mother who was no longer smiling but seemed cautiously concerned. It was a look she had seen before on her husband’s face many years ago, one that had graced her own, and with it usually brought unspeakable news, “I get the feeling you want to tell me something,” she stated, “Well, let’s have it then.”

Kathryn gave Chakotay a look that implied that this was a conversation she wanted to have alone. Getting the hint, he gave her hand a quick squeeze and headed for Phoebe who had been waiting. Offering her his arm, he suggested they go back to the house for now and to let them talk for a moment. Her gut reaction was to be immediately stubborn and refuse to go anywhere without knowing what was happening. However, she had been trying to be more understanding, a painful task, but one she had promised to peruse. The situation now would certainly qualify. She didn’t always have to be in the center of everything when it came to her family all the time, and usually had a way of making a tense situation more explosive when she was. So, she grudgingly took his arm and allowed him to escort her back to the house.

Once they reached the porch, she released his arm and stopped to pick up the empty wine glass before leading them inside. She headed for the kitchen and placed the glass next to the sink before returning to the living room and sat down in the chair next to him facing the sofa and the front door. When their mother or Kathryn returned, they would see it. She did have several questions for him, but with how quickly the atmosphere had changed, she could think of none of them. 

“I’m sure everything is fine,” Chakotay said, trying to put her at ease. He knew it was useless to let emotions run amuck. Especially when you didn’t have a clue as to what the situation was. For now, he was holding his in reserve until he knew more and was trying to encourage Phoebe to do the same.

Phoebe wasn’t built like them. She wasn’t Starfleet, not even associated with the life through any means other than her sister now. She was jealous of Chakotay in some ways. He knew her sister better than she did, more than she ever had. Granted, some of that wasn’t her fault, she was gone for seven years. An experience like the one Kathryn and Chakotay shared often changes a person. 

“I know the drill. I remember it well from the days when Kat and I would get worrying news about our father from time to time. Our mother would never tell us all of it, the wife of a Starfleet officer often hardens you over the years, but this time it’s different. Kat was shocked beyond her training. So, whatever it is, must be extremely personal,” Phoebe said.

“You may be right, but speculation isn’t going to resolve anything, only make you feel worse. She’ll tell us when she’s ready,” he replied with a kind of confidence she was so far removed from right now.

“What would you suggest? Pretend that everything is fine until then?” She countered; her tone harsher than she had intended. 

Chakotay remained unphased. He knew what people were like, and how any one of them might behave in the face of the unknown, “No, only that you wait and see. If there is cause for panic, we’ll know soon enough.”

She gave a half-smile, the trait not having gone unnoticed by him, “I can see why she likes you. I’ll have to ask you more about what she was like out there in the Delta Quadrant one day.”

Unexpectedly, the screen door opened, and Gretchen entered with Kathryn right behind. Gretchen’s expression was like stone as she entered the room and headed straight for her bedroom, closing the door hard behind her. 

“Mother,” Kathryn called after her, “Did you know about this or not?”

Clearly, the intended conversation hadn’t gone well, or in this case, at all. “Kathryn,” Chakotay said standing and moved toward her, “Let her be for now,” he urged.

Phoebe hadn’t made a move, continuing to remain seated. Just by the question asked, the information had to be family-related. How would their mother know anything about what Starfleet was doing? Even if it had something to do with any knowledge she might have overheard when their father was alive. This many years removed from it wouldn’t have the same effect on them, would it? 

Kathryn turned to her sister, “You never noticed anything odd about daddy, did you? Any kind of behavior that seemed out of place or any words that seemed strange at the time?”

She shook her head slowly, “It wasn’t as if I were paying that close attention to him. This isn’t a dig at you, but between the two of us, you usurped a great deal of his time when he was home. If he did or said anything unusual, you would have been more likely to notice it than me.”

Phoebe was right about that; she was her father’s daughter. However, she couldn’t remember anything that would have made her jump between yellow or red alert. Maybe he had indicated something, but she was so enamored by him that she wasn’t looking for any signs. She didn’t know what to do at this point. When she started speaking with her, her mother’s face had gone hard, her whole body stiffening. It was something she’d never seen done in her presence, and immediately got up and walked back toward the house saying nothing. 

Kathryn was stunned by the behavior, thinking her mother would be able to easily explain the information she’d just been given. Her parents had been married a long time before her father’s death, it was likely she knew the answer, and became obvious very quickly that it was something she had no desire to ever discuss. 

Taking Chakotay’s hand, she held it firmly as she led them around the sofa and sat across from Phoebe, who was still uncharacteristically quiet and reserved. If she told them now what she knew, she was fearful of what her sister’s reaction would be. Knowing from experience how she often reacted to a tense situation with strong emotion, usually making things worse. In this case, her mother who had always been the most even-tempered of all of them had cut herself out of the picture this time. 

And what would Chakotay think of her family once he knew? Sure, they were extremely close, and she knew how much he loved her. However, the information was a private matter, strictly family related. For her, he was as close as any family member, and even though her sister and mother may like him, that wouldn’t be enough in their eyes to divulge something this personal in front of him. She didn’t know how to proceed. The information needed to be discussed, and it seemed that Phoebe might be the only family member who could help her try to get their mother to tell them what or if she knew. 

As if he could sense her thoughts he said, “Do you want me to go, Kathryn?”

Staring up into his face she was about to reply when her sister said, “What’s the point? You’re most likely going to be married and become family, or am I wrong Kat?”

Her sister had once again put her on the spot and made her feel extremely uncomfortable. They hadn’t discussed marriage, happy with the way things were, and as far as either was concerned, they didn’t need a document telling them they belonged to each other, it was something they already knew. The only reason they would need to make it official was for Starfleet. Each knowing how they always kept couples posted together on long assignments, knowing how forced separation in these cases eventually reduced the affected fleet members' overall performance the longer they were kept separated. The only time it became necessary to rescind this rule of thumb, was when the officer was required to take on an extremely secret or covert assignment that was of the highest priority to the Federation. Much like their father during first contact with the Cardassians.

Kathryn decided she wasn’t going to hide behind uncertainty in this case and voice her desires for once. Even though she had legitimate fears of marriage given her track record for never being able to reach the intended state. Giving Chakotay a soft smile she laid her hand on top of their clasped ones and said softly, “I certainly hope so.”

He felt his heart swell with love for this woman and wanted to take her into his arms and kiss her but restrained himself. Returning the smile, he placed his other hand on the very top and gave a gentle squeeze, “Me too.”

Phoebe couldn’t help but see the unrestrained and unapologetic love they held for each other at that moment and wished she had someone who would look at her that way. For her, it had never happened, “Just kiss each other already,” she said with a nonchalant wave of her hand, “I know you both want to.”

They were both suddenly shy, but he did lean forward and kiss her lips tenderly and whispered so softly only Kathryn could hear once their lips parted, “I love you.”

She smiled and gave him another tender kiss before replying at a whisper, “I love you too,” before they parted and looked to Phoebe.

“Congratulations, welcome to the family Chakotay. In a few minutes though, you might feel differently depending on what my sister tells us,” but to be honest, she didn’t think the news would make any difference to him. She could see on both their faces that it probably wouldn’t, considering what hell they’ve already been through together. Leaning forward slightly she said, “Now, what did this friend have to tell you that was so shocking that our mother has sequestered herself?”

Kathryn’s expression became pensive, determining how to proceed. It was the support she was getting from Chakotay, Phoebe felt, which was giving her the resolve to continue, “It appears that we have a half-sister.”

***

Gretchen Janeway was a woman who had once prided herself on being strong and independent. When you’re young, you feel as if you’re prepared to take on any challenge you set your mind to. The universe is yours to discover and hasn’t become tainted by the platitudes of a Starfleet wife’s existence. When Edward had proposed to her after a two-year courtship, she was certain he was the man whose happiness would be indistinguishable from her own. 

Within their first year of marriage, she became pregnant with Kathryn, and life couldn’t have been better. She was in love, happy, and with a man she had placed all her hopes and dreams, which had been her first mistake. With age, in most cases, usually comes wisdom, and she’d learned too little too late that this was something you never do. So, when her husband had to start spending more time away from home, happiness became motherhood.

Kathryn had never been a problem, she loved her from the instant she saw her scrunched up little face. Crying and naked and completely helpless and fragile. She nursed her, held her, sung songs to quiet her into a few peaceful hours of sleep. Encouraged her innate curiosity for the world around her. Fed her when she was hungry, water when she was thirsty, and comforted her when she was hurt. As a mother, she became a cook, doctor, engineer, protector, counselor. On occasion, she was also a pirate, princess, ballerina, cowboy, archeologist, starship captain, and resident bad guy when the need arose. 

Her daughter had become her life, and in all ways, a mother could want to be reminded of what it was like to see the world through those young innocent eyes before they began to lose some of their wonder. Reading was something she felt was extremely important and wanted to instill a love of the written word in Kathryn early, Edward had agreed during the periods he was home before having to go away again. When he was home, however, Kathryn was like her father’s little shadow, and she had become relegated in status until it was time for him to leave. She would cry and scream when he said goodbye and tell her to be a good girl for mommy while he was away. It left Kathryn broken-hearted for several days afterward, wanting, no needing her father’s attention. 

She and Edward’s relationship had started to hit several snags with all the weeks and months of separation. She still loved him, as he did her, but they would argue about the time he was spending away from his family. The arguments only getting worse as time passed. She had done things while he was gone, things that allowed her to set loneliness aside for a few hours to love, laugh, and enjoy life with abandon. To have a few hours of something resembling a normal life that didn’t revolve around her daughter or her wayward husband for a while. She needed that time for herself, and it didn’t seem unreasonable that she should stop wanting to enjoy adult conversations and company ever so often. 

When he arrived home and gave her the news three years into their marriage that he’d been unfaithful, she couldn’t look at him. He had betrayed her in the worst way possible, and now it was something he, and vicariously she, would have to live with for the rest of their lives. She never thought this would be something she would have to discuss with her daughters one day. Hoping that they would remember their father with as much love a child could have for a parent. 

She resented having to bring up this part of her past again, forcing her to recall the mistake she made in response to his indiscretion, one that almost ended their family for good. Trying to avoid her daughter’s questions would only work so long, knowing she would have to answer them and in the process reveal even more secrets she found easier to keep hidden once Edward passed. 

Her eldest daughters’ partner, Chakotay, would now be privy to those secrets just by his presence and association. Gretchen had a good eye for the men Kathryn chose to bring home. Her youngest daughter, however, would bring by the flavor of the week, unable to fully commit to any of them. She suspected that was her fault more than Phoebes, having become more jaded by love and romance by the time she was ready and old enough to date. It also didn’t help that while Edward loved Phoebe, he was never as close to her as he was to Kathryn. They were like kindred spirits, sharing the same love for science and exploration while their youngest daughter had no interest in either. She had always been more like her in this regard, which allowed them to become closer in ways she couldn’t be with Kathryn. 

Gretchen couldn’t help but like Chakotay, he was calm, patient, attentive, and seemed to truly love her daughter. His personality complimented hers in a way that neither Justin nor Mark could. Even though she thought both were fine young men, didn’t believe they had the staying power to keep up with Kathryn’s mercurial nature over the long haul. As much as she would never tell her daughter this, felt the two marriages, had they proceeded as planned, wouldn’t have endured and most likely ended in divorce. 

Justin, though he was also Starfleet, had too much baggage having grown up in such an inhospitable environment. Kathryn may have been enamored by his love for her, but in time would come to resent his lone wolf personality and ambiguous nature. She had not grown up under the desperate conditions he had, nor did she share his myopic viewpoints when it came to how generally cruel people could be when faced with dire circumstances. He had developed a need to fight everything he viewed as injustice, whether others agreed with his point of view or not. In the end, had he not died with her father all those years ago, would have grown to resent him after foolishly believing in the beginning that love was all that mattered, and with that, you could overcome anything. Gretchen used to think that way too until life taught her otherwise.

Mark was also shy by nature and knew him since he was a boy. She could see it written on his face when he met Kathryn all those years ago that he had a crush on her. Kathryn hadn’t been interested in old Hobbs back then as anything more than a friend who shared a love of reading and literature. He was gangly, looking as though a stiff wind could pick him up and blow him away at any moment. She had been more interested in finding someone who shared her interests and wanted to serve in Starfleet. Cheb Packer had been the result of that need.

He was young, handsome, athletic, and ambitious in a way that teetered on arrogance. Kathryn had been drawn to him like so many girls her age, and when he picked her to date, she thought she’d won a prize. She was always comparing herself to others, was she pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, and was forever pointing a far too critical eye at herself, thinking she was none of those things. Her father’s absence had a lot to do with her lack of self-confidence, and his proclivity to always put his work and the fleet above the emotional needs of his children had driven her to seek male approval elsewhere. Always feeling as if she were in constant competition with every other girl and coming up short. 

Eventually, after one failed relationship and then losing the other to a tragic accident that also took the life of her father, she surrendered to depression for a while. It was her sister who had forced her to face the world again. It was then she became reacquainted with Mark and began to see in him the person she needed who could give her the unwavering support to do whatever she wanted. She was certainly the dominant one in that relationship, and Mark having loved her from afar for years, was all too happy to let her be the one to dictate the course. 

She thought her daughter was once again making a mistake, going from one extreme to another. Although Mark was a good man and would make someone a wonderful husband one day, she didn’t see that being her daughter. He was far too timid to challenge her in any way, afraid of losing her if he did, even though he wasn’t crazy about her being in the fleet. He would have preferred her to leave and take a job like himself, doing research, but that had never been Kathryn’s style or the vision she had for her life. Her love of science had only been half the puzzle, exploration the other, and she certainly couldn’t satisfy both loves working in a lab. Eventually, the constant separation would have gotten to them, as it did between her and Edward, and over time, the marriage would have ended in divorce. 

Chakotay wasn’t afraid to stand up to her when necessary. Uninterested in just maintaining the need for peace to keep her happy. He had strong opinions that didn’t always line up with hers, but usually had a way of presenting them from a perspective of patience and wisdom. Kathryn had grown to appreciate his points of view even if she didn’t always agree with them. They’d grown to love each other through shared experiences, unable to hide who they truly were due to unforeseeable happenstance. The forced association, which had been so critical, gave no means of true respite. They had to work together, trust each other for the ship and crew to survive, which meant having to let their guards down and get to know the other. Had it not been for this twist of fate, they would not be a couple today. 

Instead, she would have captured his ship, turned him over to the nearest detention center and went back to Mark, married him, then slowly descended into a life where the two of them would have become eventual strangers to the other. Perhaps having a child who would be left at home with him and slowly growing to resent their mother regardless of how much they loved her because she was never there. Repeating the same mistakes she so often resented and hated about her relationship with her father. 

At this point, she felt it was finally time to face the music as they say and head back into the living area where she could hear them discussing the information Kathryn had learned recently. She waited around the corner, listening to them for a few moments before deciding when to make her appearance.


	3. Chapter 3

Phoebe’s reaction was not what Kathryn expected. Perhaps she had changed, more than she’d given her credit for.

“How do you know that?” She asked calmly, inside, however, she wanted to crawl into a hole and hide until this nonsense was over. 

The person who called was my former Chief Medical Officer on _Voyager_.”

“The hologram?” Phoebe asked incredulously.

Kathryn looked offended for a split second before her expression softened, “Yes, he is a hologram, but he’s proven to be just as real as any flesh and blood person I’ve ever known, and a dear friend to Chakotay and I,” she stated firmly.

“I’m sorry,” she replied sincerely, “I didn’t mean anything by it. If you say he’s your friend then that’s the end of it,” and let it lie, “What’s his name?”

“He has yet to have chosen one for himself,” Chakotay answered this time, “We all refer to him as the Doctor.”

“I see. So, how did the Doctor come by the information?”

“It was due to the destruction of a science vessel named the _Vespucci_. Of the eight bodies he was tasked to identify, their first officer Commander Lilith Walsh was one of them. When running her information through the database searching for a familial match is how he found it,” Stating the information aloud made it seem more real somehow.

Phoebe felt anger toward the knowledge, and a deep sense of betrayal for their mother, “Who was her mother?”

“Captain Marisa Walsh,” Gretchen stated, rounding the corner of the hallway and made her way into the living area, causing all heads to turn her direction, “Your father met her during the first year the Federation were made aware of the Cardassians,” she finished and took a seat in the chair next to Phoebe.

“How long have you known?” Kathryn asked quietly.

“About the affair or Lilith?” She asked matter-of-factly.

The tone of her voice had taken a hard edge, it was something neither of her children had been exposed to. In some ways, it felt as if she were a completely different person. 

“Either,” Kathryn stated simply.

“Edward told me three years into our marriage. I didn’t learn about Lilith until a couple of months later when Captain Walsh informed him of her pregnancy.” Time had tempered some of the hurt and anger she felt, but not all of it. When Kathryn asked about Lilith Walsh, her first reaction was to go silent, seething that the information was not only coming back to haunt her but now one of her children was aware of it.

Kathryn was stunned and saddened by the admission, “I can’t imagine what that must have been like for you, keeping that information a secret all these years,” she hadn’t given herself a chance to allow anger for what her father did to seep into her consciousness yet, knowing that when it did, she was glad Chakotay would be there to help keep herself in check. 

Gretchen shrugged her shoulders, “It happened. I could either learn to live with it or I could have divorced your father. I still loved him despite what he’d done, and it did cloud my better judgment for a time, leading me to seek petty childish revenge.”

“I have a hard time imagining you ever being petty Mom,” Phoebe said, “that’s usually my department.”

“Where do you think you got it from?” She quipped, trying to make it sound light-hearted, but came out sounding more bitter. 

Phoebe had to take a breath, knowing this was hard on her especially, and did her best to ignore the tone. Looking to Kathryn, who still appeared more stunned than anything right now asked, “So, why did your friend feel the need to contact you now? Why not wait until after your leave and then give you the information?”

“Her mother passed away a couple of years back. She was an only child as was her mother, there are no living grandparents either. He had to expand the search to try and find a family member who might still be living. It was when he began searching for a genetic match that he found our father. We are her only living relatives. He wanted us to have the option to consider performing any funeral rites before taking further action.”

The petty side of Gretchen she had suppressed for many years began to rise to the surface, along with the anger she still felt about the betrayal, “No Kathryn, you are her only living relative.”

Trying to keep a cool head in the face of her mother’s anger she replied diplomatically, “I understand you’re not related to her Mother. I was not trying to insinuate otherwise.”

If she was thinking clearly, she would have stopped talking but she couldn’t. A kind of madness had overcome her ability to reason, “No, just you. I have at least one daughter who is mine,” then regretted it immediately afterward, especially after seeing the look on her daughters’ faces.

Both her children instantly felt as if they’d been slapped. Phoebe stood up without and word and walked outside. Chakotay didn’t feel it was a good idea to let her wander off in the state she was in and followed.

Coming slightly back to her senses, she asked stunned, “You’re telling me my sister, the one I grew up with, is only my half-sister? Did dad know?”

“Yes,” she replied, still regretting how she just allowed the information to slip out, but still no less angry, “I never told Phoebe’s biological father about her, and I don’t intend to change that. He was an artist, that’s all you need to know.”

Now it made sense to her in many ways why she and Phoebe not only looked different but had different interests. Unlike her blue eyes she shared with both parents, she had inherited her mother’s auburn locks. Her sister had brown hair so dark it looked black and came down in spiral curls framing a set of light grey eyes, “Why?”

“Did I cheat on your father?” Kathryn nodded, “Because I was angry, and I wanted to punish him. It was childish and foolish, and I make no excuse for it. It happened after your father left to go back to work that I had the affair. I was six months pregnant with your sister by the time he came home on leave again. Unless it was an emergency, Starfleet wouldn’t pass on any personal messages to their personnel regardless of who they were from. He was shocked, to say the least, knowing we hadn’t been together in over a year. We discussed divorce, which obviously didn’t happen, and decided that we would try to work it out between us. Neither of us had the moral high ground at this point, so we did our best to make peace with it and he accepted Phoebe as his own. Our marriage got better after that.”

It was a lot to take in. So many revelations in such a short period had her mind going in circles, unable to truly focus, much less know how to feel about any of it, “What you’re telling me is that everything I know about our family is a lie?”

“No Kathryn, that’s not what I’m saying, only the biological association is different than what you thought. Your memories of your father were not a lie, his love for both of you was real, just as my love for the two of you is real. Nothing can change that unless you let it. I have had the benefit of years to learn to try and come to terms with the knowledge. You’ve had what? A couple of hours? It will take time for both of you to process this, and you may grow to hate us both for what we did, but we can’t change the past, only move forward,” she stated factually. 

Chakotay stood at the screen door looking in, “You might want to come out here. I don’t think Phoebe is taking this very well.”

Both moved out onto the porch, Chakotay had moved back to the far corner to allow them to approach Phoebe who sat on the porch swing, staring straight ahead, a glazed look in her eyes. Kathryn knelt in front of her and took her hand. Their mother took the seat next to her.

“Phoebe,” Kathryn began softly, “This information changes nothing, and it doesn’t have to change anything for you either. You have always been loved.”

Their mother remained silent and only sat next to her. Not wanting to make another mistake by trying to comfort her if she didn’t want it. She knew her well enough to know that when she was like this, it was best to do nothing.

Finally, Phoebe spoke, her eyes still staring straight ahead, but looked a little more vibrant, “Were you ever going to tell me, or were you going to allow me to believe that Edward was my father?”

Gretchen sighed, “He was your father dear, in all the ways that mattered. He loved you as much as he loved Kathryn. For him, the biological didn’t matter. You were his daughter.”

“That wasn’t what I asked.” She said, turning her face toward her. 

Closing her eyes, Gretchen had to draw on the last of her reserves, she was so tired, “I hadn’t planned on it.”

Phoebe nodded and looked straight ahead again, “I suppose I should be grateful that he accepted me as his own, but I don’t. I feel as if my whole life until now has been a lie.”

“It’s not a lie,” Kathryn said, keeping her feelings about the situation in check until she could deal with them later. Right now, it was her sister who needed her support, “I don’t see you any differently, except perhaps more mindful and reserved than what you used to be, which is a good thing. I know this is a lot to take in right now. Both of us have been experiencing one blow after another tonight and need some time to let it sink in. I think it would be best to sleep on this and then discuss it in the morning.”

Kathryn was right, she usually was, Phoebe couldn’t help but think. However, she wasn’t sure if she could attain sleep tonight, or that she would feel any differently about the situation but gave a nod of consent. 

Standing, Kathryn walked over to Chakotay and began to speak softly, “I think it would be best if I stayed with Phoebe tonight.”

He nodded, “I agree. Your sister needs you right now. I’ll be fine on my own.”

She gave him a soft smile, her hand resting on his chest as she tilted her head back, he dipped his to kiss her lips softly. Nothing further needed to be discussed between them. Turning, she kissed her mother on the cheek, even if she wasn’t completely happy with the circumstances before taking Phoebe by the hand and leading her upstairs to her room. 

“I’m surprised,” Gretchen stated.

“Of what?” Chakotay asked.

“That everyone’s still here.”

Chakotay offered her his hand and helped her back inside.

***

Once they were in the living area, Chakotay closed both doors and locked them, assuming no one would be going out again this evening. He could only assume how hard the knowledge was going to hit Kathryn’s psyche once she allowed herself to truly process everything, she’d learned about her family this evening. She might come to him in the middle of the night, needing his comfort and support, or she might be so focused on her sister that she’ll continue to compartmentalize the information until later.

When they returned home from the Delta Quadrant, each person on board was assigned counseling to help put the events of the last seven years into perspective and what it personally cost them in the long run. Logically, a person knows that life didn’t stop in the Alpha Quadrant because they weren’t there, even though they might keep telling themselves that they’ll be changes with their family and personal relationships. 

They got a taste of that when they began receiving letters from home via the Midas Array through the Pathfinder Project. Kathryn had been given the news she both expected and yet resisted accepting fully. Her fiancé had married a woman he worked with. When they had a few moments of peace in her ready room after everything had settled down regarding the harrowing situation with the Hirogen, he’d pointed out how much they’d just gone through and that she needed to give herself time to process everything. She tried to make light of the personal blow she’d received earlier from Mark, the “Dear John” letter she received. What seemed to be bothering her the most at that moment was how there was such a finality to the letter, and how she’d been using it as a means of preventing herself from becoming involved with anyone even though she’d always known before receiving it that he would have moved on with this life. She had known this for quite some time, long before she ever received confirmation. A person, regardless of how much they love someone, cannot continue to wait indefinitely for someone they may never see again. It would be neither healthy nor realistic to do so, and even though she knew, it didn’t make the news any easier to accept.

When they spoke later that evening over dinner, the vulnerability she felt was still present, and eventually asked him if she should ignore protocol and indulge her feelings. She wanted him at that moment to tell her it was okay to move on, to permit herself to explore the feelings that had been developing between them for years. Selfishly, he wanted to say yes, but in the end, he told her they had plenty of time to think about it. It had been one of the hardest things he had to do, but it was what they both needed to maintain their current relationship.

Had he given in to what she thought she wanted at the time; they wouldn’t have become as close as they were now. He would have been the rebound relationship, dooming them to fail before it had begun. It would have become awkward for her once she’d come to terms with losing Mark for good. Once she got herself emotionally back into a better place, she would have begun to seriously question the wisdom of her choice and would be finding ways to either sabotage their new relationship or just ending it completely. Either would have seriously damaged their professional and personal relationship. 

After some time had passed, and if she felt the same way once the information had time to breathe and settle, he would be ready to take that step with her, but the subject of shifting their friendship to a romantic one hadn’t come up again until a year after they returned home. The timing then had been perfect, both were in a better place emotionally and mentally, and the separation had only reminded them how much they truly did love the other. Sometimes absence does make the heart the fonder as they say.

Gretchen took a seat on the sofa, looking worn and run down by the emotional toll of the evening’s events. He didn’t have to know her well to see what it had cost her, “Not the idyllic family you thought hmm?”

He gave a sympathetic smile and took a seat in the chair across from her, “I had no expectations when I came here, other than hoping you and Phoebe would accept me. Kathryn thinks very highly of you and is afraid of disappointing you.”

She gave an ironic laugh, “I don’t think that will be a problem anymore. I fully expect both my daughters will want nothing more to do with me after tonight.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” he replied thoughtfully, “once they’ve had the chance to think about it, anger will subside. From what I know of you from speaking to Kathryn over the years, is that she loves and respects you. Yes, she was not expecting to hear what she did, but as with anything, it will take time to learn to live with the information. Your daughter is more reasonable than you might think, I, unfortunately, don’t know enough about Phoebe to offer any assurance. However, if she’s even slightly like Kathryn, she’ll come around. I can see that they both love you.”

She sighed, “I’m not sure love is going to be enough to rebuild this bridge, but I thank you for your optimism.”

He leaned forward slightly, “Gretchen, you and your husband made huge mistakes, I grant you that, but it doesn’t mean you should be continually punished for them. You love your daughters, and from what I’ve heard, so did your husband. Eventually, they’ll remember that’s what mattered.”

“I hope you’re right,” she said, sounding defeated. The phrase, “let his cup pass from my lips” came to mind, and couldn’t help but give a small smile. 

Chakotay couldn’t help the smile forming on his own when he saw hers, “What is it?”

She shook her head, “Just feeling sorry for myself, but no longer,” then looked up at him, “I’ve decided, right now, that I’m not going to keep punishing myself for the horrendous moments of poor judgment in my youth. I’m not going to keep trying to defend a younger woman’s foolishness. Either they will forgive me, or they won’t, there’s nothing I can do to change it. I’ve had to live with my choices, just like everyone else for years. Edward and I weren’t perfect, and if that surprises them then they’ll have to find a way to be okay with it, I can’t do it for them. We made the best decisions we could live with to keep our family together. I won’t apologize for that either.”

“You don’t have to,” he agreed, “It’s up to them now how they want to go forward, but I’m pretty certain Kathryn will come around, and Phoebe might just surprise you.”

She gave him a lopsided smile, “Maybe,” and allowed the smile to linger as her eyes softened the longer she stared into his face, “I wasn’t going to tell you this, because I’ve always made it a habit of staying out of my daughter’s romantic relationships, but tonight seems to be the exception for a lot of things,” the smile widened briefly, “I know you must be well aware of how Kathryn can be,” he nodded, “I have to admit that of all the men she has decided to spend her life with, you are the first I have full confidence in succeeding in terms of longevity. Both Mark and Justin are and were good men, and I liked them very much, but I didn’t see those relationships having any durability over the long haul. With you, however, I can see your relationship enduring long after I’m gone. 

“Despite evidence to the contrary, I’ve always prided myself for being a good judge of character, and you are the kind of person she needs in her life. Someone who’s not afraid to respectfully speak their mind when the two of you disagree. How you support her regardless of the circumstance, allow her to make her own mistakes, and not try to shield her from them. You remind me of Edward in many ways. But most of all, I can see that you truly love her even knowing all her faults, and she yours I suspect. I think for the first time she’s found someone who compliments her personality but also provides a counterbalance, making up for what each of you lacks, and all she had to do was get lost in the Delta Quadrant for seven years to find it.”

He wasn’t quite sure how to reply to that admission, “I’m just lucky I found her.”

“She’s lucky to have found you too. Don’t forget that,” Gretchen said, “Now, I think I will go to bed and see what tomorrow brings. Goodnight Chakotay,” She said standing up and headed down the hallway to her bedroom. 

He leaned back against the chair for a moment, processing the conversation mindfully. He wasn’t paying lip service when he said he found himself lucky to have found her, and he didn’t believe she was trying to give his ego a boost when she said Kathryn was lucky to have him either. She seemed to have meant everything she told him, and in many ways, it only served to confirm that the feelings he had for Kathryn were never going to be transitory as he once hoped.

Years of being held at arm’s length had brought days when he wished those feelings would disappear, believing that even though he knew she had feelings for him but not the depth. He tried hard to make them go away, but every time he saw her, there they were, hiding just below the surface. He used to think that if they were ever able to escape each other and live a life outside of the other’s presence, he could get over her completely. It never happened.

Spending that first year away from her, severing all contact, only suppressed them for a while, but they only came back stronger. His relationship with Seven did nothing to abate them either, in the end, she became fully aware that his heart would never belong to her when it already belonged to someone else. They parted as friends, and he took the position as _Voyager’s_ captain. 

Toward the end of that year, they found each other again, decided to stop dancing around their feelings any longer, and fulfill the unspoken promise of one day. Now they had spent the last year together and he couldn’t have felt any more satisfied or happy with his lot in life. They belonged to each other now.

Pushing himself up from the chair, he decided to follow suit and head up to the guest room he and Kathryn were meant to share. Tonight, was the exception, Kathryn was needed elsewhere, and he didn’t begrudge her or the reasons why it was necessary. She and Phoebe needed each other’s support tonight, and there would be many thoughts and strong feelings that would be expressed in that bedroom. They needed this time together as sisters to come to grips with the news, and it was best they do that together. Anyone else would just get in the way of that process. 

Opening the door across the hall from Phoebe’s room, he could hear someone sobbing behind hers. Whether it was Phoebe, Kathryn, or a combination of the two he couldn’t know, and it wasn’t his business to become involved unless asked. Even then he might have reservations, depending on what was being requested. To him, it was best, they sort out their feelings together with as little or no outside influence as possible. Once he slipped behind the door of his room, he readied himself for bed.

***

Although Kathryn lay next to her, she couldn’t help feeling alone. The audible sobs had slowed to a silent trickle. Her sister, correction half-sister, rubbed her back in slow circles in an attempt at comfort and calm. It hadn’t worked…well, not much anyway. 

Everything she knew about herself, had taken comfort in, felt cruelly ripped away. It made her think back to all the times her father looked at her, well Kathryn’s father, and mentally examined every memory she could summon while he was alive. The annals of memory can be tricky in recalling a moment with perfect clarity, especially when they are so often affected by mood at the time of their recollection. Had he loved her as her mother said he did, or did he merely tolerate her? It was _the_ question right now, one she was having difficulty answering objectively.

If she asked her sister, she would admonish the remark with a scoff and tell her she was being ridiculous. Of course, he loved her, just as he loved them both. However, that wasn’t always true. She and their father were much closer than they ever were, but they also had more in common. Her mother had been the parent she always felt closest to. Even though she did love him, they never seemed to find common ground. He cared nothing for art or her type of creativity. It wasn’t as if he were dismissive of her talent, just passively uninterested. 

She couldn’t fault him for it. If it wasn’t his cup of tea, then that was it. However, he had stated that he was proud of her on many occasions. It certainly made her question the sincerity of his praise now that she knew the truth about their biological relationship. 

It suddenly occurred to her why he may have been so reserved regarding her talent, wondering if he knew, as she now did, that her real father had been an artist. Perhaps he did know, maybe he even knew his name but said nothing, or maybe her mother had been as tight-lipped about it then as she was now. If he could forever be blissfully unaware of the man who had fathered his daughter as a nameless faceless person, it would make the knowledge feel more ambiguous. Yet, in the back of his mind, he would always know she wasn’t his, only Kathryn.

She envied her sister, not because she knew who both her parents were, but had always envied her. She was the brilliant one, the scientist, the Starfleet graduate who left the academy and became chief science officer on her first assignment out the gate. She was the one who had worked with legends her parents both admired. Their father always heaping praise on her even when she wasn’t around.

What she ended up resenting the most was her father telling her that she should learn to be more focused like her sister. Apply herself more to her studies, and that one day she too could be half as gifted as Kathryn. Okay, she made that last part up, he never actually said anything so callous, but it felt that way. He perhaps knowingly or unknowingly, was pitting and comparing her against a standard she had no interest or ability to achieve. She wasn’t her sister and never would be.

Part of her through the years wished she would just disappear from her life, and when she did, wished with all her might to take it back. Kathryn had gone missing, went missing for fourteen-months before Starfleet considered her dead with all hands lost. That had been one of the most jarring and surreal experiences of her life. The crew of _Voyager_ were dead, that was the official statement, one she couldn’t wrap her head around for quite some time and walked through life in a daze.

It was like when their father died all those years ago, the perpetual state of stupor all of them seemed to be in. Kathryn had taken it so much harder, losing both her father and fiancé at the same moment. She admitted much later after she had forced Kathryn to face the world again, that she had the chance to save one of them but tried to save both. Unwilling to accept there could only be one solution. Love and stubbornness had allowed each of them to die, especially her.

A part of her changed with their deaths, altering the fundamental points of her personality which had always defined her as a person. Born out of that day, a mercurial nature emerged, one that would dictate every decision thereafter. Her mood would teeter from one side to another quickly, giving the appearance of doubt in many decisions she wasn’t completely certain of in her personal life, along with several changes of mind. It had gotten somewhat better over the years before she had been lost to the Delta Quadrant for a while and wondered if the trend continued to prevail or diminish due to circumstance. 

Until their father’s death, she could always rely on her sister’s confidence, skills, and knowledge. She was the compass who stood firm and never wavered regardless of how many others attempted to deter or influence her when she believed she was right. Some might call that good old-fashioned stubbornness, and perhaps some of it was, but most of the time she had been right when others couldn’t see it. Much of that type of thinking had to have survived for _Voyager_ to make it home, and she also suspected that Chakotay and the rest of her crew played a huge role in helping her accomplish those goals.

The more she thought about Edward, the more she realized she couldn’t see him as anyone other than her father, despite what she knew now. He had helped raise her, for good or ill, he was the man who was partly responsible for shaping her. She could continue to lay here and look for signs, currently jaded by her feelings, or she could let all that go and just live her damn life. Had anything changed other than a new perspective? One based on information that hadn’t and didn’t matter until she decided it did? Yes, she allowed it to alter everything she knew was real, especially her feelings. 

What did it matter that Edward wasn’t her biological father and that Kathryn was only her half-sister? Does the knowledge on its own have the power to change how she’s always felt about either of them? Not unless she gave it importance. It still hurt though, the knowledge, and she’d be lying if she said it didn’t.

The hand on her back had fallen away several moments ago and could hear Kathryn’s slow even breathing. Sitting up carefully as to not wake her, she got up and exited the room quietly, dressed only in the t-shirt and flannel pajama bottoms she’d gotten from an ex-boyfriend, and made her way downstairs. 

She decided she would put her time to better use since she was already so far from the concept of sleep. Finding one of her old sketch pads and pencils, she took them with her into her father’s old office and accessed the console. She was focused, observant of every detail uncovered. The work was important to her, and through it, might lay at least one of her thoughts to rest. How her family might feel about it was another matter. Right now, she didn’t care, she needed to do this for her.


	4. Chapter 4

When Kathryn awoke and found herself alone in her sister’s bed, the second thing she noticed was the smell of coffee. It called to her in a way she couldn’t ignore. Getting up, she slipped on the matching robe to her pajama’s and made her way to the door. Upon opening it, she noticed the door across the hall where Chakotay would be sleeping was still closed. 

Opening his door, she peeked inside to see if he was still in bed, and he was. As much as her addiction was demanding her attention, she overrode that impulse and made her way inside. He had been so supportive and understanding during this entire situation, and she didn’t feel it was possible to love him any more than she already did. 

Slipping out of her robe, she laid it on the chair in the corner where he had his clothes set out for the day and crawled into bed with him. She had no idea what time it was, but the sun hadn’t risen yet, and the moon was hanging low in the sky, its soft light shining through the curtains. They hadn’t spent much time together yet, yesterday had been their first day here and her mother had instantly taken possession of him. 

Over the last year, she had been having regular conversations with her mother, telling her about Chakotay and how the nature of their relationship had changed. Her mother was interested in the new man in her life but didn’t spend time overloading her with questions. Knowing what her mother was like, she would learn everything she wanted to eventually. 

Kathryn felt good about this meeting and didn’t feel any sense of apprehension as she had with Justin or Mark. Her experiences in the Delta Quadrant and as an admiral had changed her perspective on so many things over the years. Being nervous about introducing a man she was involved with to her family didn’t so much as peek on the list of the top ten things she was nervous about anymore. They would accept him, being as certain about it as she was about him. 

She found a gap to slide her arm through along his side and snuggled up close to his chest, resting her head and most of her body against him. She loved the way he smelled, finding the scent just as alluring as coffee. He had become one of the most important people in her life, and now that they had fully committed their hearts to each other, she couldn’t imagine a day that would ever change. 

He shifted slightly, half asleep, and out of reflex wrapped both arms around her and held her close. His cheek resettled against the top of her head and released a soft contented sigh. It was the little things he often didn’t know he was doing that made him even more endearing to her. She felt safe, secure, and loved in the comfort of his arms as if no bad thought or feeling could ever touch her. It hadn’t been since she was a little girl, tucked into the folds of her father's arms she felt so content. 

“How’s Phoebe?” He whispered, barely conscious. 

His voice surprised her, believing he was still asleep, “I’m not sure, she wasn’t in bed when I woke up a few minutes ago. I did smell coffee, however.”

He chuckled softly, “One of the few things other than an emergency that can lure you out of bed. I’m surprised you’re not down there having a cup.”

She smiled and snuggled closer, “I’d rather be here with you right now. I’ve missed you.”

Giving her a slight squeeze, “I’ve missed you too…but I am concerned.”

“I’ll be alright, it’s Phoebe I’m worried about.”

“Not your mother?” He asked, sounding more awake.

“Her too, but she’s always been a strong person, Phoebe…is Phoebe,” she replied as if that alone explained everything.

“You know her better than I do, but I think your own bias based on the person you knew and who she is now hasn’t sunk in yet. I expected to find this flighty, hot-tempered, unreasonable woman based on your description and haven’t noticed any evidence of it. I think she’s changed more than you’re giving her credit for,” he said gently.

“You may be right,” She replied thoughtfully, “I haven’t spoken with her much over the last year since our work schedules never seemed to line up. Mother kept remarking to me how much I’ve changed since returning from the Delta Quadrant during our conversations. I don’t know why I haven’t considered that during my absence she may have changed over time as well. It’s not as if she lives in a bubble.”

“No, she doesn’t, and neither do you,” he commented before adding a chuckle, “At least not anymore.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She asked carefully.

He pulled back so they could see the other’s face, “It means, when we were on _Voyager_ you tried very hard, for a long time, to keep yourself contained inside a bubble. You were personable and friendly enough but always kept your guard up. I understood the reasons for it and why you felt you had to in the beginning. Eventually, though, you did start opening up more, allowing the chance for friendships other than Tuvok’s to evolve. Being left alone together on a planet for three months helped expedite our friendship in many ways, faster than it would have on its own.”

She smiled and gave a soft laugh, “I think there was more than just friendship you had on your mind at the time.”

He returned the smile and replied with a soft laugh of his own, “Ahh, the almighty ‘defining parameters’ speech. Yes, I remember it well.”

Her expression softened, a mischievous twinkle in her eye, “I don’t know what I was thinking? Your ‘angry warrior’ speech should have been more than sufficient to entice me out of my clothing.”

He pretended to be wounded, “I put a lot of care and thought into that heartfelt speech.”

“I’m sure you did,” she replied, taking on a feigned seriousness, “Did you practice it on the monkey first?”

He couldn’t help the smile forming on his lips as he too attempted to keep a straight face, “Sure did.”

“And?”

“And…he thought it was a bit too much. What does he know? He’s just a monkey,” he finished before a burst of soft laughter escaped, causing her laughter to mingle with his. It felt good to be able to find the humor in this little awkward piece of their history, even though it had been the catalyst for every feeling she had for him thereafter. 

Overflowing love spilled from her heart. Moving closer, she pressed her lips against his tenderly. Her hands reaching and attempting to pull him to her. He complied, moving and then rolling to place himself particularly on top of her so she could hold him the way she wanted. It didn’t take long before the kiss deepened, and their clothes discarded. 

He knew how she loved to be kissed and touched, and he never disappointed. Their bodies came together, the outcome more than satisfying for both. The moon still hung low in the night sky, and they fell asleep again, only this time in the comfort of the other’s arms. 

***

When Kathryn awoke this time, Chakotay was missing from their bed and sunlight was streaming in through the curtains. Stretching, she thought about their lovemaking a few hours ago, bringing a smile to her lips. He was always passionate, tender, but most of all deeply loving. She could feel how much he loved her in every kiss, touch, and movement. It was breathtaking, ardent, rapturous, and didn’t think she’d ever get enough of him.

Leaving the comfort of their bed, she slipped on her robe and left the room to engage in her morning routine. When she came downstairs, she was dressed in casual attire and ready for a much-needed cup of coffee. No one was in the living area, and she couldn’t hear anyone nearby. Stepping into the kitchen, she spotted the coffee pot and poured herself a cup. The smell was like putting on a worn and well-loved sweater, the taste reminding her of nearly every good thing in life. 

It was only then her eyes began to glisten unexpectedly. Until now, she had been putting her hurt regarding the news so far to the side that this became the first moment it invaded her consciousness unabated. Setting down the mug, she placed both hands on the counter for support, her knees going weak, and leaned forward on her hands slightly. Tears assaulted her eyes and flowed freely in abandon, unable to stop the lamentation. She pressed the back of her hand against her mouth to muffle the startling sobs emanating from her, but someone had heard. 

Two large firm hands grasped her gently by the upper arms and turned her around. Without words, Chakotay pulled her against him and held her close. She needed this moment to come to terms with all the surprising and disturbing things she had learned over the last twenty-four hours. It was not a time for excessive attempts at comfort, and he intrinsically knew it. Just him holding her was all she needed to let the last of the vehement feelings have their moment before subsiding.

He wiped the tears from her eyes with the back of gentle fingers once they parted, “Better?” Giving him a nod, he suggested, “Go wash your face, I’ll have a fresh cup of coffee waiting for you when you come out. And your mother’s made breakfast, it’s out in the conservatory when you’re ready to join us.”

Again, she nodded, wiping away the last remnants of tears from her cheeks, “Is Phoebe out there?”

He shook his head, “She’s in her room, asleep. Your mother went up to check in on her almost an hour ago. Apparently, she was up late working on something in her old art studio. We have no idea if it’s finished or she’s still working on it, but she has it covered with a painter’s cloth.”

“She’s always been that way when she’s working on something that’s not ready for unveiling. When it’s ready she’ll show us,” He gave her a chaste kiss on the lips before she moved and headed for the bathroom, their fingers touching briefly as she passed. 

Making her way inside, she did as he suggested, splashing cold water on her face until the puffiness was mostly gone. Carefully, she used the hand towel to dry it before heading back out and through the house until reaching the conservatory where there were eggs, toast, and bacon sitting on a small table with two clean plates and forks. Chakotay smiled when she entered and handed her the fresh cup of coffee he promised. Her mother greeted her with a cautious smile.

Sitting down the cup on the coffee table in front of the sofa where Chakotay was seated, she turned and faced her mother, “I’m not angry with you. In fact, I don’t feel I have any right to be. You and dad were obviously different people then and were not exactly in a good place mentally or emotionally at the time. It’s not up to me or anyone to admonish either of you for your choices back then. You both did what you thought best to get past it and keep our family together, and you were both wildly successful in that regard. I think it's just the shock of learning something so unfathomable that’s got Phoebe and me off balance. I love you mother, and I won’t allow this to change our relationship,” she finished and bent over and kissed her on the cheek, which made her smile. 

Getting herself a plate, she placed a bit of everything on it before taking the seat next to Chakotay. Reclaiming her cup, she had to get a sip of coffee, nothing would taste right without having had some first. 

They spent the next hour trying to bring some much-needed levity into the atmosphere of the room, allowing each of them to relax a little and just enjoy the other’s company before deciding to clean up and head back into the kitchen. When Phoebe woke up, her breakfast would be waiting on the counter.

Back in the living area, Kathryn’s face turned pensive. “Mother, I have to decide what to do about Commander Walsh, if I want to pursue any funeral rites. The Doctor needs an answer as soon as possible so he can have her transferred. If you’d rather not be part of this conversation, I’ll understand.”

To Kathryn’s surprise, she didn’t seem affected by the topic, “I have nothing personal against her, I didn’t even know her, it’s what she represented that bothered me. I understand this is something that needs to be decided, and if I can help you I will.”

She nodded, the admission good enough for her, “Since she has no other family, my conscience won’t allow me to just abandon her to Starfleet. I know they would show her the greatest respect and care, but it would be impersonal. I must ask mother, and I know this will be hard for you to answer, but did daddy have any kind of relationship with her? Did she know who her father was?”

Gretchen remained still, remembering back to a conversation she had with Edward about whether he had any intention of trying to be part of Lilith’s life as he was invited to be, or sever all ties. There was anger on her part, along with other powerful emotions in play which hindered the process. They had argued over the topic for quite some time, and it was her deep sense of hurt regarding what the child represented that drove vengeful feelings to eventual fruition. 

In the end, he decided he would, unable to ignore any child he’d fathered regardless of how they came to be. He did, however, agree for the sake of his young family that he would never discuss or mention his daughter, allowing their families to remain separate. When he died, Lilith had learned the full truth about his other family, until then they were faceless unknowable phantoms. Her mother explained that her half-sisters were not aware of her existence and it was Gretchen’s wish it would be kept that way. Lilith honored that request. All she cared about then was paying her respects to a father she loved. 

“Yes,” she eventually replied, “In fact, you and Phoebe met her once, at your father’s funeral. From my understanding, she had always been aware of you but didn’t know either of your names or what you looked like. The two of you were never spoken of in detail to her, other than just acknowledging your existence. She may not have necessarily understood all the reasons for it, but she never pursued or questioned him while he was alive. Whether she decided to try and uncover anything about either of you after he passed was done strictly on her own, and she obviously kept that information to herself.”

It was one of the hardest days of her life, her father’s funeral. What made it worse was not only the underlining feelings of guilt, believing she had allowed him and Justin to die, but the retraumatization after attending her fiancé’s funeral two days ago. There were only a few memories she could recall vividly from that time, very few had been conversations with others expressing their condolences. The service moved in a series of beats, one moment she was listening to Admiral Paris recounting tales of he and her father’s adventures as young men in the academy, the next, she was watching as a line of people moved past his coffin to pay their respects.

She honestly couldn’t remember how she got from the memorial center to the graveside service. It was as if her mind had shut down of its own accord, unable or unwilling to keep taking the constant brutal reminders that he was gone. A man she dearly loved. 

Carnations were being tossed onto his coffin after he’d been lowered into the ground, her father’s favorite flower. It was just another blow to her already fragile psyche that he was truly gone and would no longer be part of her life anymore. There would be no new memories formed between them, no walking her down the aisle on her wedding day or bringing any grandchildren to visit. This was the end of the road. These thoughts alone made her also think of Justin, and how the life they had planned to share was mercilessly cut short. 

As she stood, staring down at the coffin, she did recall her knee’s going weak, grief hitting her chest in the form of a massive invisible sledgehammer. A pair of hands grasped her arms and held her steady. She looked over to the person who had righted her and saw a set of blue eyes that seemed familiar but couldn’t place. The woman was young with a head full of long brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. The eyes were kind, sympathetic, and filled with intimate sadness. She had to have known her father in some way, perhaps he had been a mentor to her. The young woman gave her a half-hearted smile, squeezed her arms gently which silently conveyed her support, then was gone as quickly as she appeared. Only now did she think it must have been Lilith. 

Surprised by the sudden recollection, she took Chakotay’s hand, “I remember her,” she whispered before her voice found more strength, “She never spoke to me, but she kept me from collapsing. Her eyes looked so familiar at the time, now I know why.”

“She did have your father’s eyes. It was the one feature I remember seeing in all her pictures,” Gretchen admitted, “Your father didn’t show them to me, I found them after he passed.”

“Do you still have them?” She asked suddenly, feeling the need to compare the image with her memory.

“I think I have something better,” Phoebe said from halfway down the stairs.

She still looked exhausted, and Kathryn thought she could do with a few more hours of sleep but thought the suggestion would go unheeded.

Motioning the group to follow, she led them into the studio with the covered painting. When they had gathered around, she placed her hand on the cloth and said, “I stayed up most of the night so I could finish this. I felt I had to,” then looked to her mother, “You might not like what I’ve painted, and I will understand if you can’t look at it,” then pulled away the cloth and stepped to the side so they could have an unobstructed view.

What they saw was a solid black background. Then white lines shaded with blue began to form. The first, starting on the left took the shape of their father, beside him their mother. Kathryn came next, behind her with his hands on her shoulders was Chakotay. Phoebe’s image appeared next to her. Lastly, Lilith’s image appeared beside hers. All of them were smiling, the white and blue outlines of their features and dimensions moving on the canvas, as though they were standing there staring back at them. Their happy smiling faces turning to look at each other, giving hugs, pats on the back, kisses on cheeks. Then it was as if someone had asked them to stand still, the movement stopped, the white and blue outlines froze, creating a nonexistent moment in time. 

Kathryn stood immobilized, her fingers pressed against her mouth, eyes glistening. Gretchen was also emotionally struck by the painting, unable to move as poised tears teetered precariously in her eyes. Chakotay was simply awestruck by the sheer amount of talent Phoebe possessed, unaware of how talented she truly was. 

“You were able to do this overnight?” Chakotay asked in amazement.

Phoebe nodded, “I felt driven to do it. I thought about her for a long time, trying to come to terms with how I felt about it. Finally, I realized that it didn’t matter if we weren’t blood-related or the reasons for how she and I came to be. She _is_ family as far as I’m concerned. Just like dad. Now, she always will be.”

Gretchen had been so consumed by her husband’s betrayal and the result, that she never considered the possibility, until now. Seeing the painting made her accept what her daughter was saying, making perfect sense. It was never Lilith’s fault any of it happened, she was just as much a victim of circumstance as she was, as Phoebe was, “It’s beautiful,” she strained through her tears, “Perfect.”

Phoebe smiled, nothing more needed to be said between them, it was enough.

Kathryn couldn’t tear her eyes away from it, staring at the painting until after a few moments the figures began to move again and repeat the previous actions before freezing. It was opulent, beyond words to describe how much it moved her. She headed for her sister and hugged her close, tears falling from her eyes. She hugged her back, which only made Kathryn squeeze tighter. Eventually, she regained the ability to speak and spoke softly against her ear, “It’s time we brought her home. Don’t you think?” And Phoebe nodded.

***

Kathryn and Chakotay stood in their dress uniforms in the lobby with Phoebe and Gretchen a half-hour before the service. She had made the announcement a week ago for Commander Lilith Walsh’s funeral, which was to take place in Bloomington, Indiana. She was to be buried next to their father in the family plot, feeling she had just as much right to it as anyone. 

All of them had been surprised by the turnout. She had no idea that so many people knew Lilith, and how many comments had been made to her especially, thanking her for finally putting her to rest, each of them knowing she had died a little over a month ago. Some of them had wondered if she had been buried in space since it had taken so long, thinking they had just missed her name in the Starfleet newsletter under the section “The Honored Dead”. 

Many had also been just as surprised to see her there, curious as to how they knew each other but refrained from asking out of respect. The biggest surprise for Kathryn, Chakotay, and the rest of the family was the number of non-Starfleet personnel in attendance. The large room the funeral would take place wasn’t large enough to house them all, and most were forced to stand at the back of the room crowded together. 

Once the service began, the man who would be giving the eulogy had very little information to go on since none of them knew her personally, and what details they were able to uncover about her had been few. It didn’t take long before he opened the floor to those in attendance, believing they would be able to share the details about her he lacked. When he did, the number of people who wanted to speak about her were almost too many to count. 

The first was a man dressed in a Starfleet dress uniform displaying the rank of Commander. Stepping up to the podium, he was trying hard to hide his emotion, however, his glistening eyes gave away everything the large group needed to know about his feelings. 

“Good morning, I am Commander Albert Whitaker. I am,” he paused, his face taking on a pained expression for a moment before regaining control, “was, Lilly’s fiancé. I recognize many of you and have known most of you for many years. Lilly was truly one of a kind, whose heart was filled with love and compassion for others. I can’t tell you how many times she volunteered to go into an active warzone to bring much-needed food and supplies to displaced citizens whose homes had been destroyed,” he gave a slight chuckle, “It certainly caused more than one argument between us,” there were several nods along with soft laughter, “but she felt it was her duty as a human being to provide that comfort and support.

“She was a humanitarian first, Starfleet officer second. She always claimed that it was Starfleet that gave her the means to spread the message of empathy, compassion, understanding, and kindness to every race or person she met. Uncovering mysteries as a scientist, she believed those discoveries gave her a wider understanding of the universe, which in turn, allowed to her use that knowledge to help others whenever possible, and always encouraged those around her to do the same.” 

He broke down then, bowing his head slightly as his hand came up to shield his face from view. Kathryn’s heart went out to him and found tears had been assaulting her cheeks long before she realized it. After a few moments, he pulled himself together again and resumed, “I’m sorry, this is just incredibly hard for me. Knowing I’m never going to see her again. She was the single most important person in my life, the one I wanted to share the rest of my days with, start a family with,” he broke down again, unable to help himself, but this time the grief had consumed him to the point he could no longer continue. Someone from the crowd, a friend perhaps, had made their way up and helped him back to his seat as another person stepped up to take his place.

“I’m sorry Al,” the woman said looking at him, “I wish we were gathered together for another reason,” she said fighting back tears of her own. In a shaky voice, she addressed the crowd, “I’m Lieutenant Commander Jillian Thomas. As some of you know, Lilly and I were best friends, having met at the academy while sharing a dorm room. She was a truly amazing human being, and I was certainly wowed by her determination and drive. Not only was she a brilliantly gifted student but she was able to use every spare moment volunteering her time to helping others. 

“If there was a park in need of repair, she would probably be the one organizing it. I remember,” she said with a laugh, “that I had shown up to help with a children’s park restoration and she was the only one there. I thought I’d gotten my times mixed up, that I was early, but no. We were the only ones who showed up. I, unfortunately, couldn’t stay as long to help her as I would have liked, but we did as much work as we could. When I went to bed that night in our dorm, she hadn’t returned, and by the time I woke up the next morning, she still wasn’t there. I made my way back to that park, and she was still working and had been all night repairing the playground equipment. 

“She looked exhausted, and as much as I tried to convince her to return later after she’d had some food and rest, she wouldn’t. I remember her turning to look at me, her face serious but openly friendly, and said, ‘I know this doesn’t seem like a big deal, but to those children who haven’t had a safe place to gather and play, it means everything.’ That’s when I found myself rolling up my sleeves and helping her until the job was complete, which turned out to be that afternoon.

“Days later, when I returned to the park to see if anyone was using it. It was full of parents with children in tow, and the look of unrestrained delight on their little faces made all that hard work worth it. It was then that I realized for the first time how extraordinary she was, how love and light defined who she was as a human being. And I knew then I had been extremely fortunate to have met such a selfless individual. The way she lived her life made me want to be a better person. Her example changed so many of us who knew her for the better. I miss her, and wherever she is now, I’m sure she’s the same person she always was, I can’t see that changing.”

The next four hours went on like this. Person after person approaching the podium and sharing stories about her, all of them sharing the same theme. The more she heard, the more Kathryn wished she’d had the chance to know her. Finally, when the last person had spoken, she approached the podium, her eyes puffy and swollen from massive amounts of tears shed off and on over that time. She wished she had a personal story to share, but of course, she didn’t know of her existence until a little over a week ago. 

“I am Admiral Kathryn Janeway, and until a week ago, I wasn’t aware of Commander Lilith Walsh’s existence. I must say I was stunned by the news of an unknowable connection I had no idea we shared, our father. She was my half-sister. When I learned this, you can probably imagine how surprised my family was by the news. It was a difficult period of adjustment, but we accepted the knowledge despite the reasons why it was shared. 

I wish I had known her, and thanks to all of you who knew her so well, I feel as if I do. I want to personally thank you for being here and sharing your memories of her with us. It is a gift I will treasure for the rest of my life. By your recollections, she has created a legacy, one that was passed down to each of you. I hope you will continue to honor that legacy long after she has been laid to rest.”

It was all she felt she could say without losing her composure, feeling her eyes glistening again for what seemed like the hundredth time today, and relinquished the podium to the man who had organized the memorial service on their behalf. He spoke a few more words, then invited people to pay their lasts respects before moving to the graveside portion of the service. 

Her casket remained closed, her body still contaminated and placed in a special container that fit inside. She was so unrecognizable there wouldn’t have been any point. So, Phoebe had spent the week before the service, painting a portrait of Lilith, one that looked completely lifelike and moved just as the previous family portrait had. It was unveiled above her coffin so people could see her the way she was before her untimely death and have a face they could say goodbye to as they passed. 

The portrait had invoked several strong emotions within everyone who saw it, some more than others. Kathryn felt she had to take the arm of Lilith’s fiancé as he made his way up, showing her support for a man who seemed to truly love this wonderful woman. He purposefully waited until the end, so he could have a few extra moments and not feel as if he had to tear himself away just to keep the line moving. 

He stared at the portrait, not saying a word, one hand resting on the coffin, the other threaded through Kathryn’s arm. After several moments of silence, he said, “I knew coming in that you didn’t know each other, but I have to tell you that she certainly knew who you were. She followed your career, your stint in the Delta Quadrant. She also kept up with Phoebe and her art exhibitions, we even attended a few and managed to acquire a couple of her works. She’s an extraordinary artist. I’m sure your family must be proud,” he said softly.

“We are very proud of her accomplishments,” Kathryn replied just as softly. 

“Lilith was very proud of you both. Her one regret was never being able to get to know either of you personally. But she certainly looked up to you Admiral, tried to _be_ like you in all the ways she admired. She even tried to get a posting on _Voyager_ , but her application was rejected because all the spots had already been filled by that time. She was disappointed but understood that’s how life goes. In many ways, I’m glad she didn’t for clearly selfish reasons,” Kathryn nodded, not knowing what to say, “Our wedding date was set for a month after what would turn out to be her last mission. As soon as we were married, she wanted to start having children right way,” He paused, and appeared to be wrestling with his thoughts before speaking again, “I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but it doesn’t make much difference now,” he said with a laugh, “If we had a girl, she wanted to name her after you.”

Kathryn’s eyes brimmed with tears, “I don’t think I would have deserved that particular honor.”

He shook his head slightly, “To her, you did,” She turned her head to look at him, tears falling freely from her eyes. His eyes met hers, and he offered a smile and gave her arm a gentle squeeze, “May I escort you to the graveside service, Admiral?”

“Call me Kathryn,” she replied, “and yes, I’d be honored.”


	5. Chapter 5

When the graveside service was over. Albert Whitaker was one of the few who stayed until the bitter end, which meant the grave had been filled in. He couldn’t seem to force himself to move from the spot and just kept staring at the ground. Lilith’s best friend Jillian Thomas stayed by his side, arm in arm as they spoke softly to one another, tears making several encore appearances. 

Kathryn asked Chakotay to escort her mother home and to keep her company until she returned. The recollections of memories about Lilith Walsh’s life during the service had affected Gretchen deeply and was not taking it well. He agreed and returned to the farm with her. She and Phoebe approached the pair, not wanting to intrude on any private moment, but wanted to show their support. 

“Albert?” Kathryn questioned softly. Turning his head toward her, she could see the day’s events had taken a heavy toll on him, “Are we intruding?”

“No, please join us,” he replied, forcing a smile.

Phoebe held a long rectangular flat case in her hand. Holding it out to him by the handle, she offered it to him as they approached. He seemed slightly confused, “It’s the portrait of Lilith I made for the service. None of us were aware of you until we arrived, but after having met you, I felt you of all people should have it.”

Overwhelmed by the gift, he couldn’t speak, and without thought or permission, he hugged her firmly. “Thank you,” he whispered, “I will treasure it always.”

Phoebe held the case and used her free arm to hug him back, “You’re welcome.”

When they parted, he took the case from her and held it by the handle, looking as if he had received the most precious gift in the universe. 

Kathryn’s eyes met Jillian’s and tilted her head to the side, an indication that she would like to talk with her privately. Phoebe stayed and continued to speak with Albert as the two women made their way to a bench near the footpath and sat. 

“I assume there is something you’d like to discuss with me, Admiral?” Jillian asked, feeling somewhat intimidated by the legend she was sitting next to. 

“Please, call me Kathryn,” she said with a soft friendly smile.

She didn’t exactly feel comfortable with that, but not opposed to the idea, it just felt strange, “Alright, please call me Jill,” and Kathryn nodded, “So, how can I help you, Kathryn?” Saying her name felt odd, never thinking the two would ever meet. She’d heard many stories about her over the years, most of them painting her as a formable woman, her name spoken with respect. By the tales alone, she imagined someone larger than life, but upon seeing her with her own eyes, saw an attractive petite woman of average height whose presence could fill a room. Currently, the depths of her eyes were as somber as her own.

She appeared slightly reluctant to continue, and it didn’t take long for Jillian to get a clue from her facial expression and body language that the question was difficult, “You stated you’ve been Lilith’s best friend since your academy days when you shared a dorm, correct?” She nodded, “I was wondering if you felt comfortable enough to tell me a bit more about her from your unique perspective?”

Jillian’s mind took a quick mental journey through the years. There were so many things about her she could share but felt there was something more specific she was hinting at, “Is there something, in particular, you’re wanting to know?”

Many things, she thought but replied, “Did she ever speak to you about her parents or reveal that we were related?”

She didn’t get the impression by the way the question had been asked that she was concerned about how much other people knew. It appeared she was more interested in gaining a greater understanding of any thoughts she might have shared with her over the years, “Actually, she spoke of her mother quite often. Her father, however, wasn’t around as much as she would have liked, but did say he was loving and kind. When I asked why her parents never married, or at the very least, were not a couple, she told me it was complicated but never went into detail. Her mother was a wonderful woman though, extremely caring with a huge heart. When I met her, I could see where Lilly got her drive for wanting to help others. I never actually met her father.

“She did mention you and your sister a few times, but never by your full name. I remember her telling me that her half-sister Kathryn was about to graduate from the academy near the top of her class and receive her first posting. I had no idea _you_ were the Kathryn she was referring to. I could tell whenever she mentioned either of your names, that she was proud of your accomplishments. She never spoke of having any kind of personal relationship with either of you but always seemed to have this longing whenever one of you were mentioned.” 

Jillian watched Kathryn’s face carefully, and while she seemed to accept the information well enough, there appeared to be a lot of mixed emotions, “I’m sure you’ve been made aware, she didn’t have any family other than her mother after her grandparents passed away, so I understood the desire there. I just assumed since neither of you was ever around, that she was being shunned in some way. I tried to ask her about it a few times, but she always found a way to sidestep the question. I had no idea it was because your family hadn’t been made aware of her existence.”

Kathryn gazed up into the afternoon sky. The sun shone high, the temperature a pleasant twenty-one degrees Celsius, the trees overhead providing shade and comfort, a gentle breeze kept them swaying. And on that breeze, was a smell of cut flowers and freshly dug earth. The setting was beautiful, tranquil, and Lilith Walsh wasn’t alive to see or experience any of it. Life seemed extremely unfair and nonsensical. How was it, that she was alive when she should have been dead many times over? What was she doing with her life when this lovely kind-hearted woman who had drive, passion, a man who loved her and planned on starting a family with, was dead? 

Her eyes met Jillian’s once again, glistening, “The more I learn about her, the more I wish we’d known each other,” then blinked them away. 

A hesitant hand touched hers, providing comfort, “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride,” she said softly, and Kathryn raised a questioning eyebrow. Jillian smiled, “It’s a Scottish proverb, suggesting if wishing could make things happen, then even the most destitute people would have everything they wanted.”

A lop-sided smile formed on her lips, “I’ll have to remember that,” and patted the hand on hers before gently pulling both away. Taking a breath, her eyes moved to where Phoebe and Albert had been standing and saw they were no longer there, “Did you happen to notice where they went?” She asked standing. Looking around she was unable to spot them anywhere.

“No,” Jillian replied standing to join the search, then suggested. “I wonder if they went back to the memorial center.”

“It’s certainly worth a look.”

The two women took the short walk along the footpath back to the building. The attendant inside greeted them upon approach, “May I help you?” Giving her a brief description, she replied with a smile, “Oh yes, I remember them, they boarded one of our transports together.”

“Did they happen to mention where they were going?” Kathryn asked.

She could see the woman’s mind working backward, thinking. After a few moments she replied, “No, I don’t recall overhearing their destination. Were they meant to wait for you? Perhaps I can reach out to the pilot.”

“Yes, thank you.”

She left the room briefly, then returned several moments later and informed, “They were dropped off in the hotel district just a few hundred meters from here.”

Jillian and Kathryn stared at one other, and even though they had only met a few hours ago, they seemed to be thinking the same thing, and it wasn’t that they were out sharing a cup of coffee. Looking back to the attendant she asked, “Can you have someone take us there?”

*** 

The steps leading up to the porch of the home she’s lived for over fifty years, raised two children, and shared a life with a man who once meant everything, seemed harder to traverse today. There have only been a few times when the task appeared more arduous than it was. The day of either of her parent’s deaths, Edward’s affair and the resulting pregnancy, Edward’s death, and the day her eldest daughter’s ship went missing and all hands were presumed lost, then learning that her daughter was alive but was so far away she might as well be dead. Now, it was the funeral of Lilith Walsh.

As a much younger woman who was angry and deeply hurt by her husband’s betrayal, she did and felt things that were certainly not worthy of praise. She was just as much the antagonist as her husband had been, even when her own story was just as flawed by irrational choices. She’d been petty, angry, resentful, all because she couldn’t or wouldn’t allow herself to make peace with the feelings which drove her behavior in such destructive directions. For the sake of her sanity, yesterday, she began to let go of the thorn she’d always felt Lilith Walsh represented. But instead of disappearing, it had just been relocated from her side to her heart. 

Lilith had turned out to be such a wonderful person, and it had been her own bias as to what she represented that kept her daughters from getting to know her. Phoebe had been different if they wanted to stay a family, Edward would have to accept her, and he had. He grew to love her as much as he loved the two girls he’d fathered, and for him, Phoebe was his daughter. 

Why couldn’t she have been just as accepting? Regardless of the reasons how she came to be, Lilith was his daughter. What right did she have in telling him she never wanted their families intertwined after what she’d done? It didn’t matter now, she could either continue to beat herself up over that decision or she could do something about it. From this moment on, she would do the latter. She would find a way to make sure the life of Lilith Walsh would continue to be honored and never forgotten. 

Chakotay helped her up the three steps and into the house. From there, she took a seat on the sofa as he took the chair across from her, a concerned expression gracing his handsome features. Kathryn had picked a fine man to spend her life with, the circumstances of their original meeting not unusual. It was what happened after that changed the course of their lives. Forcing them into the crucible which would redefine each of them over the years, and in the end, bring them together.

“So, Chakotay, when are you finally going to get off that starship and settle down?” She asked, feeling there was no point in making small talk, they’d spent most of yesterday doing that before Kathryn received the news which changed the tone of their visit. 

He appeared taken off guard by the question before regaining some of his earlier composure, “I’ve been considering it.”

“What’s stopping you?” She asked, forcing the issue.

Giving an awkward smile, he gave his head a shake and leaned forward with his elbows resting on his thighs, hands clasped, “Okay, what’s with the interrogation?”

Why was she interrogating him? “I’m sorry, I just don’t want to see you and Kathryn pass up on your chance to live as normal a life as possible. Her father spent so much time away from home that it put a strain on our relationship, and I don’t want to see that happen to the both of you.”

This time the smile was genuine, “Gretchen, I love your daughter, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I know she feels the same, but it will take time to find a replacement captain for _Voyager_ and there will have to be an opening at the academy for me to stay nearby. Right now, there is no such opening.”

She nodded, “Let’s say you were able to get that position at the academy and stay near Kathryn. Let’s also say you were married and living together. Have either of you discussed what your plans are after that?”

He appeared cautious, “What are you suggesting?”

“Children. Do you plan to have any?” She asked, coming right out with it.

Taken back by the suggestion he replied, “We haven’t discussed it. I don’t know if she even wants any.”

“Do you?”

It felt like such a loaded question he didn’t want to give a definite answer, “If she does, yes.”

“And if she doesn’t?”

“Then we won’t. My only concern is making her as happy as she makes me.”

Gretchen nodded, “I want you to discuss it before your leave is up. I’d like to know if there is any possibility of grandchildren in my future.”

Chakotay laughed, “Okay, I will.”

She pushed herself up to her feet, “If you will excuse me, I’m going to lay down for a while. The day’s events have already drained me of what energy I have.”

He nodded, “Sleep well. I may go for a walk, see more of the property.”

“Just be sure to take a beacon with you. It may not appear that large, but trust me, it’s easy to get lost if you’re not familiar,” she replied reaching the stairs. 

“Yes ma’am,” a smile spreading on his lips. 

***

“So, how long have you known Lilith?” Phoebe asked, feeling slightly awkward once she and Albert had been left alone. 

“We met five years ago while serving on the _Hawking_ , another science vessel,” he answered quietly, the memories flooding his consciousness.

“What was she like?” She asked softly, hoping the question wouldn’t be too painful, that perhaps talking about her while she was alive might make him feel better. 

“Like no one I’d ever met,” there was a heartfelt fondness in his tone, “She was brilliant and was always the eternal optimist. Nothing seemed to dampen her spirits. It was one of the things I was immediately drawn to,” his eyes began to glisten, and his face fell forward.

Phoebe placed her hand on his shoulder, offering comfort, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Wiping his eyes, he took a breath and raised his head, meeting her eyes again, “You didn’t. It’s just…going to be hard for a while. I’m not sure I’ll ever meet anyone else like her, she was one of a kind. Maybe that’s good in some ways, it makes what we had that much more special. I’ll never forget her for as long as I live.”

“And you shouldn’t,” she replied with an encouraging smile, “anyone that special should never be forgotten.”

There was a sadness in her tone, one that felt personal, “Phoebe, she thought you were special and extraordinary gifted. Your talent isn’t something that can be taught, it comes from a remarkable place within you. She recognized it immediately,” he said, gently grasping her upper arm. 

“It doesn’t always feel that way,” she answered so softly he almost missed it, her next statement was spoken clearly, “I’m sorry, I didn’t come here to talk about me. I’m here to try and offer any support I can, she meant a great deal to you.”

He nodded, “But you shouldn’t dismiss your feeling about her or yourself. Both are equally important,” he added then asked, “Did you want to talk about it?”

She shook her head slowly, “Today isn’t about me, it’s about her,” she stated firmly, her eyes looking over to the freshly covered grave.

“Let’s take a walk,” he said, his arm sliding down to take her hand and leading her in the direction of the memorial center, “I think it’s time to get out of here for a while. It will do us both good.” 

She didn’t argue and allowed him to lead her away. His hand felt warm, comforting, and for just a moment felt she wasn’t alone. That someone other than her family appeared to care about her wellbeing. It was invigorating in some ways and continued to allow herself to pretend if only for the short time they would be together, that someone did.

The connection to another person felt good in many ways, someone whose work he admired and learned about over the years. In some ways, he felt he knew her, more than she knew about him, which was nothing. It was just nice to feel comforted, even if it was only temporary.

They continued to walk in silence, just enjoying the other’s company, allowing their minds to wander. Their hands maintaining the connection and the sense of companionship. Without thought, they entered the building and headed for the transport waiting on the other side and boarded it. He gave the pilot a destination and they sat. Neither saying a word, feeling it wasn’t necessary, and rode the rest of the way in silence.

Setting down the case the moment they entered his hotel room, he locked the door and turned toward her. She appeared vulnerable, wistful, he wanted to comfort her in her sadness, as much as he wanted to be comforted in his own. The pain he felt was unbearable, intolerable, and needed to find respite, even if it was fleeting or completely unattainable. He approached and embraced her, she lay her head against his chest and sighed as they held each other, just needing to feel something that didn’t invoke anguish. 

Hours could have passed as they stood there, holding the other, letting their emotions drift. Pulling back slightly, she looked up into his face, his eyes brimming with tears. Reaching up, her hand caressed his cheek and gave a slight smile, letting him know she understood his pain. She hadn’t given any thought as to why she came here with him, only that she didn’t think he should be alone and selfishly didn’t want to let go of his hand, needing the comfort his simple touch provided. 

Something changed in the depths of his eyes, desire, and loneliness. Just as she’d recognized the emotions, his lips were pressed firmly against hers, his arms holding and pulling her closer. She was stunned by the action as a little voice began working its way to the forefront of her consciousness, the one of reason. He was in pain and hurting, confused, desperate, telling her to put a stop to it before the situation went any further. 

She wanted to listen to that voice, agreed with what it was telling her, but she couldn’t make her body cooperate. Her hands reaching around his neck and pulling him closer. No one had touched her quite like this before. The unrestrained passion, yearning, and eagerness he expressed were overwhelming. They were feelings she’d been harboring to have with someone, anyone, for years, and even though all the reasons why it was happening now were wrong, felt her will dissolving in the face of them.

Their clothes had been discarded before realizing it and found herself in his bed with him whispering words of love that were never meant for her. That realization would only make itself available shortly afterward, for now, the words were everything she’d ever wanted to hear from someone. She needed to feel this kind of love, more than she ever admitted, and when in the presence of it, found herself powerless to reject it. For now, she would allow herself to believe, if only for a little while, that he was everything she’d ever wanted. 

***

Right now, she was everything he needed, warm, tender, passionate, sensual. She and Lilith didn’t resemble the other, the only vague similarity was their brown hair. Lilith’s had been much lighter and straight, ending just above her buttock, Phoebe’s was so brown it looked black and cascaded in long ringlets which stopped halfway down her back. Regardless, he needed her to be Lilith, if only for a little while. 

Perhaps if he had been able to see her in repose, touch her cheek, kiss her lips one final time it might have been enough to stave off the tempest of pain her death had produced. He whispered all the things he felt for her as if she were the one here with him now, and the woman beneath him had responded with fervor. She seemed to desperately need to feel the love he was expressing as much as he needed to convey it. He brought her to the point of rapture gently, despite how frenzied his actions had been in the beginning, and relished the feeling of euphoria she had conjured in him. 

When it was over, their senses returning, he felt her holding him tightly around the neck as a massive sob wracked her body, followed by another. He didn’t know what to say to her, this woman he had essentially used to satisfy his own delirious need for closure, and felt an instant and substantial self-loathing. In his determination to diminish the agony in his heart, inflicted anguish in her. As her tears wet his cheek, he felt he had to say something, anything to lessen the pain he’d caused. 

“Phoebe-”

“Don’t say anything,” she interrupted, every word a struggle, “Just let me leave with what’s left of my dignity.”

He tried to push himself up so he could look and her, and when he attempted it her grip only tightened, the sobs growing louder in his ears, “I never meant to hurt you, I’m so sorry,” he apologized holding her close, as if he could infuse his regret and need for forgiveness into her. 

When her tears slowed, she spoke softly against his ear, “I’m going to go home now,” releasing him, she turned her face away and pushed against him forcefully enough to roll out of under him. Once free, she immediately got off the bed, gathered her clothes before locking herself in the bathroom to get cleaned up, dressed, and get herself together. She hated herself for how she’d selfishly used him to feel that kind of love, despite the fact he’d used her for the same reasons. 

“Don’t leave like this,” he said through the door, his voice filled with sorrow, “Let’s talk about it. Please?” He pleaded.

She didn’t, couldn’t reply, her voice temporally unavailable, choked by the intense emotions flowing through her as she pulled on the last of her clothing. Opening the door, she pushed past him, unable to look him in the eyes, and for none of the reasons he thought. He tried to grasp her arm and stop her momentum, but she managed to jerk free from his grasp and rushed out the door and into the hallway, taking off at a run for the turbolift. He called out and pleaded for her return. Ignoring him she made her way inside, turning around, she couldn’t help but notice the sight of his despairing face as the door closed.


	6. Chapter 6

As they waited for the transport to arrive, Kathryn thought about what she was about to do and realized once again she was running off half-cocked because she thought her sister might be in over her head. What if she was? What if they were in the process of doing what she thought? If she could find them, then what? Phoebe would be angry that she had once again put her nose in somewhere it didn’t belong and it would only cause a fight between them, regardless of how noble her intentions might be. As much as it pained her, she felt it was best to leave it alone and allow Phoebe to come to them when she was ready. 

It was exactly what their father would have done. He never chased either of them down unless not doing so meant their death. Some mistakes had to be learned from personal decisions, believing those lessons provided more of a profound impact on their learning process. He never tried to shield them from life, ever, believing that experience was one of life’s greatest teachers. Kathryn hadn’t always agreed with that philosophy and often found her interference unwelcome by her sister most of the time, causing the chasm to grow further between them. So, as much as she hated it, decided, in the end, it was best to stay out of the way. The decision was painful, her nature always leaning toward helping others, especially when it came to family. 

Thanking Jill for her insight of Commander Walsh, she advised that she would be returning home, and if she happened to see Phoebe, to please tell her they would be waiting for her return, before once again offering her condolences and began walking to the nearest public transport. She would have to utilize three of them to reach the farm since it was on the outskirts of town. The last one near the farm was a kilometer away and was in easy walking distance. 

As much as she worried about her sister, her thoughts also touched on a previous topic before this whole business with Commander Walsh began, their mother’s obsession with marriage and grandchildren. She had thought about having a child someday, the admission made when Q was trying to mate with her six years ago. Obviously, she had no intention of having one with him, but Chakotay, on the other hand, was a different story. They were together in a committed relationship. 

She was an admiral now, and a woman in the latter half of her forties. Women were still having children up until their sixties if they wanted, but that was something she wouldn’t consider. If they were married as her mother wanted, she could still have a child, and if she did, one would be more than enough. However, it would need to be discussed with Chakotay as to how strongly he felt about the possibility, and if he wanted to have any, to begin with. The conversation didn’t have to take place today, but the sooner they discussed it the better off they would be regarding how the other felt about the idea.

Making her way up the porch, she entered the house to find no one in the living area. Seeing a note left on the coffee table, Chakotay advised that he’d gone for a walk on the property while Gretchen took a nap. He had taken a beacon upon her suggestion so he wouldn’t get lost, and if she were so inclined, was welcome to join him. 

She had never been able to work the coffee pot in the same way her mother and especially her sister could, so she used the one item her mother abhorred, the replicator. The coffee didn’t taste as good as the real thing, but it would do, and she certainly needed the boost. Once she had finished her cup, she would then go find Chakotay and spend some much-needed time with him.

Their visit hadn’t turned out the way she’d planned, but when had it ever? Life had a way, where she was concerned, of changing course frequently. If something was going to plan, she often found herself wondering when or from where, the curveball was coming. It was an expectation she had grown used to and didn’t see that contingency ever changing. 

Finishing her cup, she placed it back into the replicator and picked up a locator beacon on her way out the door. Once she made her way around the house, she found she didn’t need to activate it, having located him stretched out in a hammock tied between two large trees halfway between the house and the tree line where the woods began. A lop-sided grin formed on her lips as she made her approach and noticed upon her arrival that he appeared to be sleeping. The last thing she wanted was to disturb his peaceful state and began to turn away as quietly as possible. 

“Where are you going?” He said, asking playfully.

Her smile widened as she turned toward him again, “I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“I’ve been waiting for you to come find me, I thought I would make it easier for you,” then lifted his arm, his hand beckoning her to him. 

Carefully, he moved to support her so she could slip into the hammock beside him. Once she was secure within the crook of his arm and laying against his shoulder, he moved slightly so he could hold her in both arms comfortably and heard her release a contented sigh, invoking a wide dimpled grin. 

“How was mother by the time you arrived home?” She asked softly.

“Better in some ways, but I could see the funeral affected her deeply. However, it didn’t seem to stop her interrogation when we got back.”

Kathryn raised an eyebrow, “What did she say?”

“The subjects you warned me about,” he said with a chuckle, “I know she’s concerned about the constant physical distance between us, and worried that if it continues we’ll find our relationship under the same strain she and your father had. I understand those concerns, and the last thing I want is for us to spend so much time apart, but until I can get a posting at the academy in San Francisco as an instructor, my options are pretty limited unless I decide to leave the fleet altogether.”

Her expression grew pensive, “Do you want to leave the fleet?”

“Not particularly, but when it comes down to a choice between staying with you or constant separation, even if we were married, I’d choose you. I’m done with anything that keeps us apart. You are the most important person in my life, and I’m not prepared to make any more sacrifices that keep putting distance between us. I know I’m as important to you as your career, and I would never ask you to choose one over the other. So, I’m prepared to do whatever’s necessary to stay by your side for as long as you’ll have me.”

She held him tighter, “In that case, I hope you’re prepared for a lifetime commitment.”

He smiled, “That was my plan,” and kissed the top of her head, “She did bring up the subject of us having children. It’s something we’ve never felt the need to discuss, but she did ask me to at least broach the topic with you before our leave ends.”

She hadn’t planned on having this particular conversation quite so soon, but now that the topic was out in the open, felt this would be as good a time as any, “I’m willing to have this conversation with you, as long as you’re completely honest about your feelings and not say what you think I want to hear. I don’t want to find out later that you’ve been harboring any resentment, and I promise to be just as honest in my feelings. Agreed?”

“Agreed.”

“I want to hear your thoughts first,” she stated, and he couldn’t help the smile forming on his lips, knowing how her mind always sought out the tactical advantage. 

“Alright,” he began, “Complete honesty,” then took a breath before continuing, “Until a few years ago, when Seska had me convinced she was pregnant with my child after taking my DNA, the thought of having any children hadn’t occurred to me, mostly due to the course my life had taken. I was a maquis, love, marriage, or children was out of the question. I had chosen a dangerous path, one that cut my life expectancy considerably. I fully expected to be dead by now, and had I still been in the Alpha Quadrant and not on _Voyager_ I would be.”

The thought of him dead evoked an immediate sense of anguish, her chest began to tighten at just the mere suggestion of it as her eyes began to glisten, her breath beginning to quicken. Remembering the news about the slaughter of the maquis. She had to quickly remind herself that it was just a simile, a comparison as to what his life had been to what it is now, the reminder helped her get her emotions back under control.

“Because of an unforeseeable circumstance, I wasn’t there, and I don’t regret not being there because I most likely would never have met you,” and gave her a loving squeeze, “But, as much as I detested the thought of Seska carrying my child against my will, I sought out my father on a vision quest. What he said gave me clarity and peace about the situation I lacked. It was only then; the idea of fatherhood began to appeal to me in a way I’d never considered before. 

“The idea still appeals to me, especially now that I’m in love with a woman who has allowed me to appreciate life in a way, I hadn’t thought I ever would. And yes, I’m aware that we’re both not the ideal age to begin thinking about children, even taking that into account, I’d still like to have one someday, but I won’t be utterly crushed if we don’t. However, that all depends on what you want, and I realize a child might not be part of the equation. 

“You’re an admiral now, and your work has the potential of keeping you close to home as much as it has the potential of taking you out amongst the stars. Serving in Starfleet is the life you’ve always wanted, the life you’ve chosen, and I would never ask you to do anything which might interfere. So, now that you know how I feel about the idea, it’s up to you to decide if it’s something you want. For now, I think you should consider the idea on your own, determine if having a child is right for _you_ , not me. As I said, I’m okay with either direction. Your mother will just have to learn to accept either choice.”

Nodding against his shoulder she gave silent acknowledgment that she would give the idea full consideration. 

Shifting slightly, he reached into his pocket, “I almost forgot,” and pulled out a small leather pouch that resembled the ones he used in his medicine bundle for vision quests, “I’ve been meaning to give this to you, but with everything going on I decided it put it off until later. Now seems to be as good a time as any,” he explained before handing it to her.

“What is it?” Handling the small pouch between her fingers, she could feel something hard and somewhat jagged inside. 

“A toaster,” he said with a smile, “Just open it.” 

Smiling, they adjusted themselves within the precarious space so she could free her right arm and lay back against his side and shoulder. Feeling the pouch again with both hands, she still couldn’t determine exactly what it was.

“Are you going to open it or just keep feeling it with your fingers all day?” He asked with a chuckle.

Her smile widened as she pulled open the pouch and turned it upside down. A gem the size of a half-dollar fell onto the palm of her hand. It was unusual and partially translucent. Holding it up enough to catch a beam of sunlight, she was stunned when it began to change color, going from a pale green to red-orange, reminding her of a sunset, “It’s beautiful. Where did you get it?”

“Ledos.” 

Her thoughts began taking a backward journey, still finding it difficult to place even though the name sounded familiar. When she didn’t reply after a moment he continued.

“It’s the planet Seven and I were stranded on inside a barrier that protected an indigenous culture, the Ventu. I noticed while I was there, depending on the type or strength of the light being shown through it, changed its color. It’s quite marvelous actually,” he explained looking at the gem, “It was given to me as a gift by the Ventu, and now I’m giving it to you.”

She remembered now, and how the Ledosians attacked _Voyager_ to prevent them from trying to retrieve their deflector array, the prime directive preventing them from leaving any technology behind when they couldn’t determine how it would be used, “I can’t accept this,” she said putting it back into the pouch, “It was given to you out of friendship, you should keep it.”

He nodded, unwilling to argue the point, and put it back in his pocket before wrapping his arms around her and taking her hand. She felt something being slipped onto the finger of her left hand, “Perhaps you’ll accept this instead,” then released it. 

Raising her hand, displayed on the third finger was a ring, in the center was a piece of the gem she’d just viewed less than a minute ago and shaped in the style of an oval-cut. She felt the breath catch in her throat, rendering her speechless. 

“Kathryn Janeway, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?” He asked softly. 

She still couldn’t speak, her mind racing with a million thoughts. This wonderfully loving man wanted to make their union official, knowing that in her heart this was what she truly wanted despite her fear of engagements. Turning her body toward his, she pushed herself up to meet his lips, showing her love for him openly and unrestrained. Her hand caressing his cheek, the light shining through the gem as she kissed him passionately, her heart bursting with love. As the kiss slowed to a smattering of light gentle pecks before ceasing altogether, she leaned her head back against his shoulder to see the same intensity of love in his eyes. Finding her voice, she replied at almost a whisper, “Yes.”

***

While Janeway and Chakotay made their way up to their room to share an hour or two of passion, her sister Phoebe, on the other hand, was headed back to her apartment in the city. She was disgusted with herself and couldn’t face her family yet, even though she was supposed to spend another week with them.

As she stepped inside and walked straight to the bathtub and turned it on, prepared a nice hot bath to soak and clean up. Stripping off her clothes, she sank inside the massive clawfoot tub and leaned back with her eyes closed. In her mind, she could still hear the words he’d whispered on an endless loop. How he loved her. That there would never be another like her. That she would be the only one he’d ever want. How she meant everything to him. How good she felt, sexy, beautiful. She listened to all of it and responded as though she were her, the one he felt all those things for and about. Had allowed all reason to drop by the wayside and selfishly allowed herself to believe she was the woman he loved. It didn’t take much to hang onto the illusion. No one had ever shown her such unrestrained love and passion before, touched her in every intimate way a man who loved a woman would, nor kissed her lips with such abandon. Now that she knew what that kind of love was supposed to feel like, how could she ever accept anything less? Was she so unlovable or undesirable to men that not one of them could muster that kind of passion for her? 

Maybe she was. Maybe, it was always meant for her sister to get those things and for her to spend the rest of her life as a lonely artist. Kathryn had found that kind of love three times and was engaged to two of them. It was only a matter of time before Chakotay proposed, and they would spend the rest of their lives together. She, on the other hand, had a long list of failed relationships where the men she dated started as good candidates, but quickly revealed their true interests over time. She was only as good as what they could get out of her before moving on to the next woman who’d caught their eye. She had sworn off relationships after the last man she dated. Within two days, she found him in bed with another woman.

Albert had been the first man to show her what real passion felt like, and it wasn’t for her. It was for a woman he dearly loved who had been cruelly taken away from him. She understood his pain on some level, but the pain his tenderness inflicted was nearly enough to break her when it was over. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, she participated of her own free will because deep down, despite how hard she’d tried to suppress it over the years, needed to feel what he was offering. And now that she had, would be tormented by the knowledge for the rest of her life. 

The water had grown cold by the time she exited and drained the tub. Her family would be worried about her, she knew and sent a text message through the com stating that she was fine but decided she would stay at her apartment tonight. She’d let them know tomorrow if she planned to stop by and visit. However, did not state what the decision would be based on. It would depend on if she could keep herself pulled together. After a good night’s sleep, she would have a better idea if it were possible. 

Taking a sedative, she’d been prescribed for occasional insomnia, she put on her nightgown and slipped under the covers. It was still early, only eighteen hundred hours, but was ready for the day to be over with. Hoping that by the time she awoke, she’d feel better. 

***

Albert was frantic by that time, needing to speak to her, apologize for blatantly using her so selfishly. He had found her address and left several com messages hoping she would return his call but hadn’t so far. By nineteen hundred, his door chimed. Suddenly feeling an array of complex emotions as he granted entry, hoping it would be Phoebe, that she had decided to talk to him in person about what happened. Instead, it was Jillian Thomas. 

“How are you feeling Al?” She asked stepping inside and saw him flop into a chair holding his head in his hands, “I take it you were expecting someone else.”

“I made a huge mistake, and I don’t know how to fix it, Jill,” he admitted in defeat.

She had an incredibly good idea of what he was referring to but wasn’t going to assume and took the seat across from him she asked, “What mistake?”

He gazed up at her, and even though they were tired and bloodshot, gave her a knowing look, “Let’s not do this shall we? Pretend as if you have no idea what happened once you realized Phoebe and I were gone. And let’s just say that by some small margin the thought hadn’t crossed your mind, I’m certain it did the Admiral’s.”

Frowning, she didn’t necessarily approve of what happened based on what he said, but knew it wasn’t her place to judge, “So, I take it you slept together.”

He leaned back into the chair, “I wish it were just that simple,” he replied with a sigh, “I spoke to her as if she were Lilith, telling her all the things I felt about her.”

“Oh,” was all she could say immediately, “I’m assuming that didn’t go over too well.”

He shook his head, “Just the opposite,” he answered, and noticed her eyes growing wide in surprise, “She responded to everything with such passion there were times I forgot she wasn’t her,” and showed an obvious disgust for himself, “Afterward, she couldn’t wait to leave, and wasn’t interesting in talking about what happened. I haven’t been able to reach her since.”

“Perhaps it’s for the best. Right now, her emotions must be as raw as yours. Give her a week or two before trying again, let some time pass so both of you can process this. I’m sure she must be feeling as confused as you are,” she advised.

“I know,” he said bowing his head slightly, “I just want to fix this. Try to explain…”

“There’s no need to do that, she’s a smart girl, she knows why it happened.”

“It doesn’t make it right,” he replied, his head snapping up, his eyes flashing with anger, “I used her.”

“It sounds like both of you used each other, and she may be just as upset with her reasons for it as you are with yours. You can’t fix everything Al; you need to let some time pass. I know that’s not what you want to hear but you know I’m right. Whatever reason she allowed herself to respond to you is something inherent in her, not something you put there,” she stated firmly.

He gave a wry smile, “You know I hate it when you psychoanalyze people, especially me.”

She smiled, “It’s a hazard of the job,” and maintained eye contact for a moment before suggesting, “Let’s go to dinner, I know you have to be hungry. Go get cleaned up and I’ll wait here for you.”

“Is that your professional opinion?” He asked, the false smile fading.

“Nope, just your friend talking. You still remember having those?” She replied, the smile widening briefly.

This time, he couldn’t help but release a laugh, “Yes, I remember what those are, but my mind is so addled that I must have forgotten.”

“Then I’m glad I am here to remind you. Now, go get ready, I’m starving,” she added playfully.

He stood and gathered a clean pair of clothes from the suitcase and headed into the bathroom. As he showered, for the first time, he realized something he’d overlooked earlier, probably because he didn’t want to see it because to acknowledge it would feel like a betrayal. Not all the things he said or did was about Lilith. The mynute realizations he’d made during their lovemaking were dismissed as quickly as they arrived. There had to be some part of him that was attracted to her personally, had been since meeting her more than once over the years even if she hadn’t been able to recall the previous encounters. 

It wasn’t something that would ever make him want to cheat on Lilith, he loved her more than anyone he’d ever met. But he couldn’t help but notice how open and friendly she had been with him during those art exhibitions, not to suggest she was paying him any more attention than she had any other patron. But as a man, he couldn’t help but notice not only her physical beauty but as a person who noticed a kind and genuinely friendly individual. Nothing about her behavior felt put on for show. She expressed herself openly with a kind of unapologetic take it or leave it attitude. He admired and responded to it immediately, as had Lilith. It was one of the things he remembered upon seeing her again and took comfort in the familiarity. 

The love of his life had only been dead for a little over a month, and he hated himself even more that he allowed himself to feel anything outside the realm of friendship about another woman so soon after her death, regardless of why it happened. What the hell was wrong with him? Why had those thoughts even slipped into his consciousness? It felt as if on some level he hadn’t loved Lilith as much as he thought he did, which was ridiculous. He loved her more than life itself. How could any woman complete with that devotion? But Phoebe hadn’t been trying to compete with anything, especially his feelings for the woman he loved. It was just something about her that tugged at him in a way he hadn’t expected and felt guilt about, something he couldn’t explain in any rational way that made sense.

Once he finished showering and got dressed, he would force himself to go with Jill to dinner, as he would force himself to participate in any conversation she initiated. He desperately needed to be distracted from this line of thought and felt that the only way to accomplish it was to take Jill’s advice and let time pass. He had done nothing but grieve for Lilith and the life they planned for over a month now, feeling no closer in many ways accepting that loss. The funeral had made it feel real for the first time, and all the painful emotions which had been haunting him since he first got the news and managed to marginally sate, came rushing back to the surface. He needed more time to heal, more time to come to terms with every confusing emotion that entered his psyche. 

Perhaps he would take his own counselor's advice and take more time off, go on a vacation and get away from everything familiar. Change up his surroundings with people and places that didn’t keep the wound open. Maybe then he could truly sort out his feelings and come to terms with everything, and that’s precisely what he did when he awoke the following morning.


	7. Chapter 7

A pale soft light filtered in through the windows when Phoebe opened her eyes. She felt calmer, the sedative having a secondary effect of evaporating a lot of her anxiety regarding previous events. Turning her head, she noticed someone she recognized immediately resting against the headboard, reading. 

“Mother?” She questioned, confused.

Gently, she laid the book on the nightstand beside her. Leaning back again, she focused her attention on her youngest daughter. There was no look of judgment on her face, only concern in her eyes, “I got your message.”

Phoebe pushed herself up to lean back against the headboard beside her, “I don’t recall asking anyone to come over.”

Gretchen smiled and took her hand, giving it a loving squeeze, “Yes you did. It was in your tone. Call it a mother’s intuition. I know how hard this has been on you, even if you say you’re okay with it.”

She wouldn’t cry, even though she could feel the stinging sensation in her eyes, “I’ll be alright mom. I just need to sort out my feeling about it. The funeral only made the situation feel…more real than I anticipated, that’s all.”

Her lips curled up to form a half-smile, half-frown, “Is that why you left with Albert Whitaker?” Phoebe felt too numb to react, “It’s alright my dear,” and squeezed her hand again in understanding, “I’m not going to judge you, that would be far too hypocritical given what I’ve done.”

“I figured Kat would tell you what happened eventually.”

“I asked her where you were, and she told me you left with him.”

She scoffed, “I’m still surprised she didn’t come after me.”

“Oh, she wanted to, believe me, but realized it would only make the situation worse knowing your defiant nature,” she teased lightly, “Deep down, she’s more like your father than she is like us.”

Phoebe nodded, thinking, “She was always his favorite.”

Gretchen sighed, “I know you _believe_ that’s true, but that’s not the way I saw it.”

She turned her head enough to see her face, a pensive look in her eyes, “How did you see it?”

“Edward may have appeared tough – and he was in many ways – but felt emotion very deeply, much like your sister. Both try to hide their true feelings and can do so extremely well most of the time, some of that is just Starfleet training, but the other is a mindset both were born with. Each of them harbors a deep sense of insecurity about themselves, more than anyone realizes, and he recognized that inherent trait in Kathryn. If he spent more time with her when he was home, it was because he felt responsible for passing that on to her.”

Phoebe was flabbergasted, “I never saw a moment when they didn’t seem sure of themselves and what their abilities were.”

She laughed, “It’s easy to overlook in the face of such confidence and assurance. That’s the smokescreen, the distraction. Yes, both were and are too smart for their own good sometimes, but it comes at a terrible cost. Kathryn is slow to trust when it comes to personal relationships, she hesitates, overanalyzes her feelings about someone to the point that she’ll sabotage her own happiness. Granted her experiences when it comes to love hasn't helped boost her confidence over the years. Friendships come slowly, and with their own set of risks. If she can control the closeness of the friendship, keep it casual, then she’s comfortable. Letting someone see your flaws is not only uncomfortable, but it’s also an unacceptable level of vulnerability on her part. I believe that she was born to join Starfleet, her personality allows her to show concern and empathy for others, mostly in a general sense. I’m not suggesting she doesn’t care about people, she does, deeply, but the distance Starfleet encourages and teaches gives her the excuse she needs to pull away when she starts to _feel_ too much too fast. 

“Edward did his best to try and teach her to be more open with her feelings, and she was for a while. That all changed when she lost him and Justin. Her heart was fully open when it happened, and it damn near broke her. You, on the other hand, have never held back your feelings, ever. It made you stronger and tougher in many ways Kathryn lacked. You knew what you wanted out of life and weren’t afraid to fail. Something Kathryn has struggled with all her life. She once told me how envious she was of you, wished she could be more like you in that regard.”

Phoebe scoffed, “Kat, envious of me? I find that impossible to believe.”

“Why? You can effortlessly do something she can’t,” she replied simply, “It’s why your father never worried about you. Just because he didn’t show you as much attention, doesn’t mean he didn’t love you. He loved you dearly.”

Hearing that made her feel better about herself, reminded her that she wasn’t afraid to fail and roll with the punches, but out of that lack of affection from her father, she was constantly looking for it in other men. She might know exactly who she is and what she wanted from life, but it didn’t mean she was getting the fulfillment of feeling so completely loved by someone she could wrap herself in it like a blanket. 

“I slept with him, you know,” she admitted softly and watched as her mother took her hand in both of hers. 

“I assumed as much,” she answered quietly, “and I know it’s left you feeling a lot of things you wish you weren’t.”

She was about to ask how she might know that, but remembered, “My biological father.”

Gretchen nodded, “I was feeling lost, much like you are now, and needed to feel something as close to pure love and passion as I could get. I’d known him for years, and we were close friends. I thought I could handle my feelings regarding your father’s affair. However, when he told me Marisa was pregnant with Lilith, that tiny thread I was holding onto snapped. I was angry, upset, and I reached out to him for comfort. He provided what I thought I needed but ended up giving me a gift so much more precious than anything I could have wished for. He gave me you, and I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the universe, just as I wouldn’t trade your sister. 

“I never let on how close we came to divorce. His threat of taking Kathryn away from me and never allowing me to see her again forced me to reconsider my options. He was still in love with me, even though I was six months pregnant with you at the time. It was the only way he could get me to stay and try to work things out between us. We went to marriage counseling for a long time, and eventually, I remembered why I fell in love with him in the first place. So, we stayed together until his death. Had he not died we would still be together; I was and am still in love with him. That will never change for me, and it’s what I want for both of my girls. I want both of you to find a love like the one we shared. He was the one, as Chakotay is the one for your sister.”

An aslant smile spread across her lips, “Do they know that?”

Gretchen couldn’t help but laugh, “Yes, he proposed to her yesterday, and she accepted.”

Her smile became more genuine, “Good for them.”

“Now, my dearest dear, come back to the house with me and spend some time with us. Your sister is worried about you, and I fear that if we don’t return soon, she’ll arrive and take us back to the farm by force if she has to,” then chuckled softly.

“I wouldn’t put it past her,” she agreed, “Okay, let me get cleaned up and dressed, and you call her on the com and tell her we’re on our way back. Deal?”

“Deal,” she said and kissed her cheek.

***

For his getaway, Albert wanted to go someplace where he could be alone when he wanted, but also be surrounded by people, knowing the distraction and interaction with others would be helpful – according to his counselor – so he could try to remember what it was like to interact with others before Lilith’s death. He needed this, more than he realized by the time he got there. 

He decided he would try to make a genuine effort to put every negative feeling aside and enjoy life, remind himself how good it could be. He went rock climbing, cliff diving (more like jumping in his case), reef swimming with a rebreather, and swam alongside all kinds of marine life. Played volleyball among other physical activities. Went riding on a creature that was similar in size to a horse but resembled more of an extinct dinosaur known as a Pachyrhinosaurus.

He went to the evening beach parties, but this was where he had trouble trying to participate. Every brunette he saw with long hair had Lilith’s face, and the sight made him abandon the party many times throughout the night just to get some much-needed air and his emotions under control. As time wore on, he began to see another face taking her place, Phoebe’s. It was confusing at first, finding himself staring at a random woman but not really seeing her. Sometimes they would approach, others became noticeably uncomfortable and moved away from his penetrating gaze. 

As the month of leave began to wind down, he found his thoughts becoming less focused on Lilith and what their life could have been, to Phoebe and his budding feelings for her. It felt as though he were betraying Lilith’s memory. She had only been dead for two months and here he was thinking about another woman. Did his feelings for her mean so little that he was already thinking of moving on? No, they hadn’t. When it came down to it, he knew Lilith wouldn’t want him to mourn her indefinitely, or even stop living his life because she couldn’t be part of it anymore. It was one thing to have discussed it and hear a person tell you to move on if something ever happened to them, but quite different to accomplish once they were gone. 

The most painful night since his arrival occurred the day before he was due to leave. He awoke in a sweat, tears making tiny rivers down his face, confused, aroused, and feeling a deep sense of guilt. He was dreaming of Phoebe; of the passion, they shared the afternoon after the funeral. All the things he was saying at the time about Lilith he was suddenly feeling about her. It was nearly overwhelming how much he wanted her, craved, and needed her, and found himself curled up in a ball on his bed completely torn and in agony. The feeling lessened over time but didn’t go away. Even on the way back to Earth, he couldn’t escape the division the dream produced. 

It seemed the tighter he tried to hang on to Lilith’s memory the more he felt something or someone inside him trying to push her away from him, and he found himself angry and resentful of it. She had meant _everything_ to him. Still did in many ways. She had worked her way under his skin like another lifeforce keeping him tethered to her and it felt as if she were being ripped away, and he hated the feeling, despised it.

As tired as he was by the time he got back, he went straight to Jill’s apartment. He needed her to tell him he wasn’t crazy, desperate to understand why this was happening at all. The moment she opened the door he grabbed her by the upper arms, his eyes pleading, and it took her a moment to get her bearings.

“First, it’s nice to see you too. Second, you’re not only hurting me but starting to scare the hell out of me,” she said trying to keep her tone even.

The words penetrated his thoughts and released her, instantly apologizing, “I’m sorry, I…don't know what’s gotten into me.”

“You look crazed. Did something happen while you were on Risa?” She asked taking a couple of steps back, trying to stay out of immediate arms reach. 

"No…yes…” He replied, trying to keep his arms at his sides, afraid of what his feelings had caused him to do.

“Okay…let’s take a seat and talk about it,” then took the few steps necessary to sit on the sofa and faced him.

He was having doubts. Not only was he afraid of what his emotions had evoked, but what he might do in this agitated state, “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

She held up her hands to put him at ease, “Stay there if it makes you feel more comfortable,” then dropped her hands, “Just take a minute to gather your thoughts and tell me what’s going on.”

Closing his eyes, he tried to calm himself, which seemed impossible, and took a few deep breaths, a technique both Jill and his counselor had suggested when he started to feel overwhelmed. When he opened his eyes again, he felt a little more like himself, “I’m in love.”

She smiled, “I know, you’ll feel that way about Lilith for quite some time I’m sure. It’s just going to take time for those feelings to fade to a point where they won’t hurt as much.”

He raised his hand and waved it in front of him, shaking his head, “That didn’t come out right,” he took another breath and tried again, “I think I’m falling in love.”

“Oh?” She questioned in surprise before asking, “With who?”

“Phoebe Janeway,” he answered, and once he’s said the name, he needed to sit before he collapsed, and took the seat on the other sofa across from her, cradling his face in his hands. She didn’t say anything right away, and he couldn’t bring himself to look at her. Lilith had not only been her best friend but were more like sisters.

“I can see how that’s possible, but right now you’ve just suffered a major loss. You’re going to need to give yourself time to process that, more than you’ve taken,” she stated reasonably. 

Those were not the words he was expecting, thinking she would be furious with him. Raising his head, his eyes met hers and they were kind, no trace of anger to be found. 

“What? Did I surprise you? Thought I would be angry?” She continued with a soft smile, “Look, you’re going to go through a gauntlet of emotions, many of them overwhelming. And yes, sleeping with her didn’t help your cause in trying to deal with grief, only add a sense of confusion. I know Lilith wouldn’t want you to stay single forever, but she wouldn’t want you running off and trying to jump into a relationship when you haven’t got all your feelings sorted out. Give yourself a few more months, see how you feel then. If your feelings for Phoebe get stronger over time, then they’re real. If not, then you’ve lost nothing and didn’t embarrass yourself or make anyone feel uncomfortable.”

He nodded in relief, “I thought I was going crazy.”

“Grief often makes people think they are. It is crazy when you think about it. One moment someone is here and the next they’re gone. It’s ludicrous. As human beings, we don’t respond well to instant changes, _especially_ the heart-stopping kind. It’s even worse when you love someone, like the way you and Lilith did, but you will survive it,” and emphasized the point by reaching out and offering him her hand, slowly he took it, “You have support, and friends who love and care about you. You’re not alone.”

For the first time since Lilith’s death, he felt a genuine smile form on his lips. 

**Two Months Later…**

“Captain,” Lieutenant Commander Harry Kim called from Ops, “You have an incoming transmission from Admiral Janeway at Starfleet Command,” a slight smile on his lips. All _Voyager’s_ family who was still on board knew the status of their relationship and privately celebrated their recent engagement once Chakotay was back. Many of the crew now were new, only a few of the original family remained. 

“Route to my ready room. Commander you have the bridge,” he stated and immediately stood up and headed inside. 

Tom gave a nod, “Aye sir.”

Once he’d disappeared behind the door their tactical officer, Lieutenant Jasmine Johnson, turned to Kim and asked, “This is the fourth time in the last two months Admiral Janeway has reached out to the Captain. Is there some kind of mission she’s advising him on we don’t know about yet?”

Harry smiled and replied knowingly, “You could say it’s more of a personal mission.”

She seemed confused, “Personal mission?”

“What Harry’s trying to say, badly I might add,” Tom Paris said, causing Harry to give him a slight frown and shake his head, “is that she’s probably reaching out to him about their upcoming wedding.”

Jasmine looked surprised, “I didn’t know they were a couple.”

“It’s not something they advertise, but just believe me when I say it’s about time,” Harry replied. 

“You got that right,” Tom agreed, “I think B’Elanna’s more excited about theirs than she was ours,” and laughed.

“When is the happy day?” Jasmine asked.

“The end of the month once we get back to Earth unless something comes up to delay it,” He answered, so let’s make sure the rest of the escort mission goes well or we might have an unhappy Captain on our hands,” his way of hinting she get back to work.

Picking up on it, she replied, “Yes sir,” and focused on her console.

*** 

As soon as he sat he activated the desktop monitor and saw the immediate smile on her lips, “Hey you,” he said, unable and unwilling to stop his smile.

_“I just had an interesting conversation with Admiral Henley over lunch.”_

“Admiral Preston Henley?” He asked, remembering him as one of the admirals who debriefed him upon return to the Alpha Quadrant a little over two years ago. He made an impression because of his odd sense of humor and laid-back demeanor. It was hard to believe in some ways he was an admiral at all.

_“The very one,”_ she replied with a smile of her own.

“What joke did he tell you today?”

She rolled her eyes playfully, _“Do I really have to?”_

“Yes, I’m curious.”

Giving a sigh she said, _“What do you call a terrible, horrible, unpleasant dinosaur?”_ He shook his head, _“A thesaurus.”_ It was so corny he couldn’t help chuckling, _“I don’t know why you keep asking me to do that._

“Because I find the look on your face when repeating it amusing,” then smiled.

_“You’re lucky I love you or I’d have you sent out for a year-long mission scanning star clusters in the Yaris sector.”_

“Duly noted,” he said taking on a more serious expression, “So what do I owe the pleasure of your call today?”

The smile on her lips returned, _“Captain Emal Duriti is retiring at the end of the month when the semester is over, which means the position as professor of paleontology will be open.”_

“How many people know about this?” He asked.

_“Only a few. It hasn’t been officially announced yet and from what I understand, won’t be.”_

He looked confused, “Then why are you telling me about it?”

She could see the look of disappointment in his eyes, _“Because he plans to offer the position to you. That is if you’re interested,”_ she added playfully.

“I’m more than interested. But why is he offering it to me?” He asked, knowing they didn’t know each other and didn’t think he’d made much of an impression on him that he’d remember him over two years later. 

_“Actually, you can thank Cadet Naomi Wildman for that,”_ she answered giving a lopsided grin.

“Oh?”

_“You were her paleontology teacher on_ Voyager _while we were still in the Delta Quadrant. And when she took Professor Duriti’s class he was so impressed by the knowledge she already possessed on the subject, especially her understanding of advanced topics, he asked her where she learned all the information. She told him about you. So, it was Duriti who passed your name onto Admiral Henley requesting you replace him after he’s gone.”_

He was stunned, “I don’t know what to say.”

She laughed, _“That you’ll take the job when he offers it to you.”_

“Yes, of course. It just feels like a dream come true, but I’m just as exhilarated by the knowledge that we won’t have to spend so much time apart anymore. It will be nice getting to come home to you every day for a change,” He said beaming.

_“It will be,”_ she agreed. 

When she didn’t continue and appeared to be lost in thought he said, “I recognize that look. You want to tell me something but you’re hesitating. Is it something I should be worried about?”

_“No,”_ she answered immediately before pausing again, _“It’s just something I’m not exactly comfortable with discussing over the com.”_

He frowned, “I hate it when you do that. Now I’m not going to be able to stop thinking about it until I know. I think you do that on purpose,” and smiled.

_“It’s not my intention, but now that you mention it…”_ her smile widened, realizing this has not been the first time she’s put him in this position over the last year. 

“Okay, out with it.”

_“After the wedding, we’re going to have to start looking for a new place,”_ he nodded, wondering how the topic was uncomfortable, _“I’m thinking we’ll need to find a house where you and I both can have our office spaces but would like one with three bedrooms.”_

He gave a thoughtful nod. “I agree with what you’re saying, but I don’t think we need three bedrooms. I find it unlikely we’ll need two guest rooms, even if your mother and sister come to visit together.”

_“True,”_ she replied giving a slow nod, _“but I wasn’t thinking of using them both as guest rooms,”_ then gave him a moment to allow what she just said sink in and was amused when she finally saw him get what she was indicating.

“So, are you telling me your pregnant?” He asked cautiously.

Smiling she shook her head, _“No, what I’m saying is that I’m ready to be. I’ve given the matter a great deal of thought as I promised I would, and decided I want to have a child with you. That is if you haven’t changed your mind.”_

“Absolutely not,” he stated firmly, “I’m not going to lie, I was beginning to think you’d never give me an answer.”

Her smile widened, _“I’m glad I could surprise you. So, what I’m going to suggest since you have a month before you return is to have the ship’s doctor inject you with the contraceptive counteragent, so it has plenty of time to work through your system. By the time we’re on our honeymoon, we can start trying. ”_

“What about you?”

_“I had the counteragent injection, three days ago.”_

He grinned, knowing she wouldn’t have done that unless she was sure. Having plenty of time to change her mind if there were doubts, “I love you.”

_“I love you too,”_ she replied before kissing her fingers and touched the screen, _“I have to get back to work. Talk to you soon.”_ Then she was gone.

Leaning back in his chair, he couldn’t stop the wide dimpled smile spreading across his lips.


	8. Chapter 8

The wedding would take place on the family farm in Indiana. Kathryn strongly urged her sister to come out to San Francisco for a few days before _Voyager_ arrived. Partly because she wanted to spend time with her and the other being that she wasn’t sure if she could keep her hands to herself before the wedding. It had been nearly three months since she’d been in Chakotay’s presence and the temptation to be intimate might prove to be too overwhelming for them to resist even though both agreed to wait until their honeymoon. So, she was asked to take on the responsibility of chaperone and designated buzzkill, a role for which she felt ideally suited.

She’d never had a problem telling others what to do, she and her sister were terribly similar in this regard. Taking orders from someone because there was some rule that said she had to was not her thing. Besides, even if she agreed with her sister, there wasn’t a place in Starfleet’s ranks for an artist, no matter how talented he or she might be. 

Another talent no one seemed to be aware of, and one she preferred to stay out of sensor range, was the ability to suppress painful emotions over a short amount of time. Having had far more practice over the years. Her sister was good at it to a point but was never quite able to attain the same results. If anyone attempted to pry too far, Kathryn would respond with controlled anger instead of deflection as she’d learned to do.

When her sister went missing before the status being changed to dead fourteen months later, she didn’t bat an eye in public. It wasn’t anyone’s business how she or their mother was dealing with the loss. Those emotions were only meant to be released in private. Journalists began to leave her alone upon realizing they weren’t going to get any information out of her. 

She often found herself as the protector when they were growing up, a role that was normally designated to the older sibling. Her sister always had a strong moral compass and possessed plenty of drive and determination for them both. However, she was the one who was always willing to go that extra kilometer when Kathryn fell back on principles, even if it meant being looked down upon when she was known to respond with either harsh words, fists, or a combination. Many of these instances she involved herself in on Kathryn’s behalf occurred without her knowledge and still didn’t know about to this day. 

When the girls at school made fun of her sister for being “a nerd” because she would rather study than spend a lot of time socializing, she felt it was her job to confront them, even getting into a couple of physical altercations over it. It happened more times during their school years than her sister realized. By the time she reached her senior year of high school, she started dating the most popular boy at the Meadows named Cheb Packer. He had pursued her, which she immediately found odd because Kathryn wasn’t the type of girl he usually dated. He seemed to prefer extremely beautiful girls who cared more about their looks than what was in the books they carried in their backpacks.

Her sister was both beautiful and brilliant, and perhaps that was something he found himself drawn to. However, she always kept a close eye on him, expecting the worst to occur. He treated her well, but never let her guard down, knowing it was just a matter of time. That was always the big difference between them, especially back then. Kathryn was and still is, hardworking, diligent, often insecure about herself, but optimistic. She, on the other hand, was more pragmatic. There was no such thing as a silver lining, people could be cruel as well as kind, and there was always something lurking nearby that would be ready to ruin your day if you weren’t prepared for it. Kathryn, in many ways when she returned home, started to reflect a lot of her characteristics but not to the same degree.

They broke up later that year once she’d been accepted into Starfleet Academy and his application had been rejected. Suddenly she became the vessel for all his frustration, blaming her for his failure and saying extremely cruel things behind her back to his circle of friends. Kathryn had been understandably upset by the way he’d treated her toward the end, but to hear unflattering rumors circulating about herself on top of it was putting such a huge weight on her shoulders it was nearly impossible to bear. 

She wasn’t going to stand for it, getting angrier every time she saw Kathryn’s red-rimmed eyes from copious amounts of tears being shed over the cutting comments others were making. Many of the students were happy to do his work for him, punishing her for attaining something he could not. 

Between classes, she happened to be passing through when she noticed three large guys who she’d recognized as being friends of Cheb, creating a barrier with their bodies to keep some poor girl trapped in a corner. At first, she just noticed the other students giving them a wide birth when she got closer, before realizing that the poor girl no one seemed interested in helping, was her sister. She had never slept with Cheb, but they were insinuating she had and were tormenting her with sexual propositions. 

At that moment she saw red. Grabbing the middle guy by the back of his shirt, she pulled him off-balance and spun him around before kneeing him as hard as she could between his legs and shouting, “Come near my sister again and I will rip your balls off!” Then looked to the other two hulking brutes as the one she’d just kneed lay writhing on the floor, “That also goes for the both of you! Now get out of here before you really piss me off and take your asshole friend with you!” 

She didn’t know what they were prepared to do in retaliation, and honestly didn’t care. At that moment she would have fought them hand to hand if necessary, so long as her sister came out of the deal safe and sound. She was three centimeters shorter than Kathryn but had the ferocity of a feral wolf and the viciousness of a black mamba. Whether they were stunned, shocked, or merely just surprised she’d never know, but they did exactly what she told them. Putting an arm around her frightened sister, she escorted her down the hallway and into the dean’s office where she also gave _him_ a piece of her mind. After that, the harassment ceased.

For the next five days, she and Kathryn had dinner, talked, played games, read, but what Phoebe absolutely would not do was talk about any feelings that had the potential of putting a rip in her tightly woven armor. Her feelings about what happened between her and Albert were her own, and no amount of interference from their mother – knowing that’s where the information had come from – was going to change that. Of course, she and their mother were worried about her, she hadn’t been the same since the day it happened, but that didn’t mean she was ready to discuss it with anyone, ever. Kathryn had backed off but let her know she was there for her regardless. 

When Chakotay finally beamed down to Starfleet Headquarters, they restrained themselves, ever the professionals. Once they got back to Kathryn’s apartment, however, it was all long hugs and lingering kisses. She was happy for them yet envious at the same time. It was a peculiar and uncomfortable place to be. Seeing the longing and yearning for the other each time their eyes met. 

She slept with Kathryn in her room that night, Chakotay on the sofa before they headed off to Indiana the following morning. Sleeping was such a relative term, lying awake as her sister slept would be more accurate, her thoughts running circles in her head. She was going to have to tell all of them at some point what was happening, not because she wanted to, but because sooner or later she wouldn’t be given the choice. She decided to talk to the family after their honeymoon, the last thing she wanted was ruin anyone else’s good time. Her sister deserved this hard-won happiness, and so did her soon to be brother-in-law. Later would come later. 

*** 

The wedding took place on schedule near sunset. The small group of _Voyager’s_ family mixed with their own was perfect. Kathryn wore a simple white dress at Chakotay’s insistence. Starfleet may have brought them together and were certainly a big part of their lives, but the wedding was for them. Everyone was asked to wear semi-formal attire for the ceremony. 

Phoebe was Kathryn’s maid of honor, B’Elanna beside her. Chakotay had asked his cousin Honon to be his best man. They had been like brothers growing up. Tom stood beside him. Miral was an adorable flower girl who took her job somewhat seriously but was more interested in offering a rose petal to the small group of guests as she passed than sprinkling them in front of her before joining her mother. Her brother Michael was the cutest little ring bearer and walked down the aisle well enough, but got fidgety, as all young boys are wont to do, and stood in front of his father. 

Chakotay felt his breath catch in his throat when he saw Kathryn coming toward him down the aisle, a bouquet of pink roses between her hands. Part of him couldn’t believe this was happening, that soon she would be his wife and he, her husband, making their union official. Admiral Paris would be performing the ceremony and smiled at each of them when they stood before him.

“I know it was Kathryn’s fathers greatest wish to see his daughter’s find love and happiness as he did, and even though he may not be here today, his legacy lives on in both his children,” Admiral Paris began, “So, as one of his oldest friends, I’ve had the pleasure of watching his girls grow up to become extraordinary women in their own right, and I can tell you he would be proud of you both. But today, I have been bestowed the honor of joining these two together in marriage. They have prepared their own statements,” He finished and gestured to Kathryn to begin.

Handing the bouquet to B’Elanna, she turns back to take her soon to be husband by the hands. She trembles slightly as her eyes meet his, the pace of her heart quickening in her chest. She finds trepidation and excitement at this moment, an odd sensation and one she doesn’t completely understand, “Chakotay, we’ve known each other a long time, many of those years were confined to a professional working relationship but also evolved into a deeply intimate friendship. You know,” she continued slowly, “how I felt about you, and the reasons why I could never allow myself to act on those feelings then. What was at stake was too important for me to do otherwise. However, they never went away, and I couldn’t have been happier to know they hadn’t disappeared for you either after being separated for a year after our return home.”

She took a much-needed breath to settle her nerves, “I will never forget the first night we spent together, allowing me to freely and openly express the love I’ve always had for you, it was then when I felt those same intense feelings reflected at me that I knew you were the one I was meant to share my life with. My love for you is eternal and can never be diminished. I look forward to our continued journey together.” Admiral Paris gave a nod to Phoebe who handed Kathryn the ring. Taking it, she placed it on his finger. Meeting his eyes again she said, “May this ring, be the symbol of our eternal love.”

Taking Kathryn’s hands firmly in his again he smiled, feeling a peace he hadn’t truly felt until their first night together. The constant turmoil he’d felt during their years in the Delta Quadrant had been at long last quelled. She was now his and he hers, “A long time ago, I told you a story, an ancient legend,” They smiled at each other knowingly, “A story which told you how I felt. Those feelings growing deeper over time. I’ve always understood the kind of woman you are, the sacrifices you’re willing to make, and have made to protect the people who’ve been entrusted to your care. For you it’s more than just a responsibility, it’s personal. You have a huge caring heart, and it’s that heart that allowed me to fall in love with you.”

Gently rubbing the back of her hands with his thumbs he continues, “You will never know how grateful I am for your friendship, your trust in me. Even when we didn’t always agree, my trust in you and who you are has been, and will always be infinite, as is my love for you. I also look forward to our journey together, and I can’t think of anyone I’d rather take that journey with than you,” her eyes were glistening when he turned to take the ring from Honon. After placing the ring on her finger, his eyes once again met hers, and said, “May this ring, be the symbol of our eternal love.”

Smiling, Admiral Paris said, “Admiral Kathryn Janeway and Captain Chakotay, by the power invested in me by Starfleet Command and the United Federation of Planets. I hereby pronounce you husband and wife.”

Pulling her close, Chakotay kisses her tenderly as one of her hands move to caress his cheek while the other slides up to hold the back of his neck, her fingers brushing against the hair near the nape of his neck. The small gathering applauds, a few eyes glisten in the face of such a rare moment of love being openly expressed by the couple in front of them. When the kiss ends, they turn facing the group and head back toward the house hand in hand as birdseed is thrown over their heads so they can get changed and ready for the reception.

Later, as Phoebe stands holding a glass of champagne she hasn’t touched, watches her sister with a soft smile as she talks with B’Elanna and Seven, holding Michael on her hip and making comments about how big he’s grown since seeing him last, and feels an arm being slipped through hers. Slightly startled, she looks to see her mother.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen your sister so happy,” Gretchen comments. 

Phoebe nods, “She deserves it. Chakotay is a good guy, and anyone can see how much they love each other. Kat’s in good hands.”

“Agreed, now you just need to find the perfect man and my life’s work will be complete,” she said playfully.

The smile morphed into a frown, “I know you’re trying to be amusing, but let’s not do this today. Okay?”

“You’re right,” her tone, less playful and becoming more serious, “my words were poorly chosen. I should have been more sensitive to how you might be feeling about the topic.”

Phoebe gave a soft sigh, “Mom, my only feelings on the subject is that it’s been exhausted. One of your daughters has finally attained marriage, and who knows, may give you the grandchild you’ve always wanted. Let’s just be happy about that together. This time next year I could have a niece or nephew, that’s something we can celebrate as a family.”

“I know, and I would like nothing more for them to know the pleasures of parenthood, but you can’t help worrying about your children and their happiness. I know being an artist makes you happy, and if I was utterly convinced that’s all you needed in this life I wouldn’t push as hard as I do. It’s my job, just as you felt it was your job to fight a lot of your sister’s battles growing up,” Phoebe gives her a surprised look, “You think I didn’t know about my little scrapper? Of course, I knew, I just didn’t say anything.”

Turning her head back to look at her sister her mother continued with a laugh, “You probably don’t remember this, but when you were about five or six, I kept getting calls from other parents about you beating up their children. Your father was a starship captain at the time, so he wasn’t here much, and I was home raising two young girls. I didn’t know what to do and was getting frustrated because I thought you were turning into a little bully. The parents kept calling and I was reaching my wit's end. 

“The whole time I was getting these calls I’d never seen the girls or boys you had gotten into fights with at school. I didn’t know their age or size; I’d just assumed they were around yours. It wasn’t until the dean had called me to have a meeting with him at his office that I learned these children were four to five years older than you. I was both shocked and impressed that you had been able to hold your own against them. I was confused by it, knowing these children were much bigger and older than you as to what to do. That was until I got a particularly nasty call from another parent. 

“Until then, I had tried to be understanding and show compassion for their feelings, but after a few minutes of hearing this woman berating me, telling me I was a horrible mother, and that if I couldn’t control my child then they should be taken away from me, I lost my temper. I could see the boy in the background with a black eye and busted lip, who was easily half a meter taller than you, and as much as I felt for the boy, I couldn’t stop the words leaving my mouth. I told her, that if her son was such a pussy that he couldn’t defend himself against a six-year-old girl then maybe she should keep him at home, then hung up on her.”

Phoebe burst out laughing, unable to control it, and garnered a few looks from her sister’s guests before getting it back under control. She’d never heard her mother talk like that before. Using such salty language, much less picturing her saying that to anyone. It was both comical and horrifying. Untangling herself from her mother’s arm, she walked over and put down the glass of champagne before heading back to her, a pensive look on her face. 

The tone had shifted drastically upon her return, and Gretchen found herself immediately concerned by it, “I wasn’t going to say anything until after Kat and Chakotay left, but I thought it might be better to say it now and get it over with,” Phoebe began, “I’ve received an invitation from a Federation Colony on Xephnon to come and teach a class on advanced painting techniques.”

Gretchen smiled, “That’s wonderful, but…?”

A hint of a smile touched her lips, “But, it’s for six months.”

Nodding without expression she replied, “I see.”

“It’s not that long when you think about it, and it will give me a chance to get off Earth for a while. I will still com you and Kat of course while I’m away,” she continued, trying to convince her in her own way this was a good thing.

Sighing, Gretchen took a breath and pulled her into an embrace, “Just remember to have fun while you’re gone. We’ll always be here for you.”

“I know,” she replied softly.

Upon releasing her, she offered her a smile and said, “Let’s get back to the party before your sister and Chakotay leave for their honeymoon. And I know, don’t tell her about it until she gets back.”

“You know me too well sometimes,” Phoebe replied with a wide smile.

“I’m your mother, it’s my job,” then took her arm again and led her back to the group.

***

Once they left Indiana via a private shuttle for a two-week honeymoon, it was only then Kathryn wondered where they were headed. She left the location up to Chakotay, unable to decide. The only stipulation was that she didn’t want it to be cold, preferring a more tropical environment. There was something to be said about cuddling up in front of a fire, the idea appealing and romantic, but didn’t want to be forced to stay inside most of the time due to the weather. 

When they arrived on a private island in the South Pacific near Bora Bora, she was more than pleased with the location when she saw their temporary residence. The small island was surrounded by a white sandy beach, with no neighbors in an eighty-kilometer range. However, if they wanted to join civilization, the shuttle was at their disposal. Once Chakotay landed on the shuttle pad, they picked up their duffels and exited. The first thing she noticed was the warm breeze, blue-green water, and a large open-aired dwelling that could be shuttered if necessary, should a storm come their way. Long white sheets resembling curtains hung from the open doorways but were made from a thinner silky material. Its purpose was to allow the breeze to flow through freely and provide shade. 

“It’s perfect,” Kathryn said in appreciation as they approached.

“Good,” he replied and stopped her before she could enter with a light grasp of her hand. 

Turning toward him, he slipped the duffel off his shoulder and removed hers, and sat them down on the wrapped deck. She gave him a questioning look until he scooped her up in his arms and carried her across the threshold, a smile soon replacing the expression. They kissed briefly before he set her down. It was a tradition he’d learned about before the wedding and wanted to incorporate as many of them as possible knowing how much it would please her, and by the serene smile she gave him knew he had. 

Retrieving their duffels and placing them inside, her eyes took in the lavishly decorated room when she felt his hand clasp hers once again and turned to him. He smiled and began leading her through the dwelling into the master bedroom. It was the largest bed she’d ever seen and could have held four adults comfortably. A lopsided smile formed on her lips when she felt his arms encircle her waist and his warm soft lips kiss her neck. 

“What did you want to do first?” She asked playfully, knowing they both had the same thought in mind. 

It had been nearly three months since they’d been intimate, and the anticipation of his moment was almost more than either of them could stand. His response to her question was the feel of his hands moving up her torso, only stopping briefly to gently cup her breasts before unbuttoning her shirt. Her breath quickened as she leaned against him, enjoying the feel of his hands on her body. Once he’d finished with her shirt his hands moved lower and began slowly unfastening her pants. One hand came up and caressed his cheek while the other gently rubbed the length of his forearm as a soft sigh escaped her. 

Stepping out of her pants and sandals, she turned in his arms to bestow a passionate kiss, her hands moved to divest him of his clothing. Once every article had been discarded from both, he picked her up and laid her down on the bed before joining her. They were restraining themselves, trying to stay focused instead of surrendering to more animalistic instincts, wanting to take pleasure in the other before completely surrendering to desire. However, it didn’t take long before they were no longer able to resist and reveled in the delight of the other. 

Their first joining was hectic, frenzied, and reached ecstasy far too quickly. The second was filled with ardor along with a slower more intense passion that left them euphoric and profoundly gratified by the time the sun finally sank below the horizon, falling asleep in the comfort of each other’s arms. They would have two glorious weeks to enjoy their little piece of paradise and elicit multiple states of rapture before it came to an end and would shamelessly take every advantage of it.

Three nights into their honeymoon as they sat cuddled together in front of the fire pit just outside the dwelling, Chakotay had noticed her becoming more reflective than what she’d been in quite some time. He wondered if she was having doubts about them, their marriage, or the child they had just started trying for and was surprised that it had been none of those things. She had been thinking of the woman she didn’t want to become, the one who came through a temporal rift and brought the means for _Voyager_ and her crew to return home. She had told her many things she didn’t necessarily want to know if the future had continued undisturbed.

She had told him long ago what the Admiral said about Seven’s death, and how she died in his arms. The feelings the knowledge invoked were complex, pulling her in a myriad of directions, many she never shared with him fully. 

Quietly she said, “I never told you about the conversation she and I had the night before heading back to the nebula to destroy the hub and take _Voyager_ home. I don’t think she ever meant to bare her soul to me but needed to unburden herself, and I let her,” she stopped, considering, reasoning, “The more I think about it, she spent so many years keeping her feelings suppressed it did more than just gnaw at her, it changed her.”

“I can only imagine what she had to endure before deciding to take matters into her own hands,” he replied just as quietly, holding her close, “You’ll never _be_ her. Too many wonderful things have happened for that to occur, and I for one am thankful for it.”

“As am I,” she replied with a soft smile, but allowed her thoughts to wander backward, to a place she no longer needed to think about but was still feeling disturbed by, “When I look back on it, if we had just destroyed the hub and rode it back to the Alpha Quadrant, the Admiral not having sacrificed herself, the Borg would have been right behind us in retaliation. I would have been forever known as the captain who destroyed Earth and all of us would either be dead or assimilated by the Borg. They would have stopped at nothing to protect themselves from the knowledge the admiral possessed. Believing she would have disseminated every weakness and tactical advantage she’d discovered over the years. Divulged secrets the Borg would have massacred to protect.”

He placed his finger over her lips, “You’re only upsetting yourself. None of it matters we’re all alive and well. Let’s focus on that,” she nodded, and he removed his finger.

After several moments of silence, she spoke again, “That’s not what I was planning to tell you.”

Part of him didn’t want to hear it, knowing from experience when anyone bared their deepest thoughts and feelings it wasn’t because they didn’t have regrets. However, he didn’t think he could have stopped her from telling him if he tried. So, it was better to let her get it out now than to allow her to stew on it, “What did she discuss with you?”

She pursed her lips in thought for a moment, her eyes squinting slightly before speaking again, “The entire time she was there, I noticed a hardness in her eyes I didn’t recognize. It was more than just the years spent getting _Voyager_ back to the Alpha Quadrant, but I dismissed it because I didn’t want to know what could have caused that kind of impenetrability. When the information poured out, I couldn’t begin to process it, and I’m certain to this day it wasn’t even half of the things which bothered her. 

“The _years_ she spent watching Tuvok degenerate into someone she no longer recognized. Watching him slowly decline into confusion and madness and did her best to hide the pain of it from the rest of the crew. Her relationship with you fared no better. It pained her beyond words to see you with Seven but said nothing, just allowed the distance between you to grow. Getting _Voyager_ home had become her sole obsession, her means of coping with yet another loss. She said marrying the two of you had been one of the most unbearable days of her life. Constantly regretting not having taken the chance to tell you how she felt long before your relationship with Seven became serious. 

“It was too late by then; you had moved on with your life and allowed yourself to fall in love with another. She admitted to having grown too comfortable and dependent on the idea of someday. So, when the option no longer existed it completely hardened her heart. The deep friendship she had once thought so unbreakable fell apart over time and completely evaporated after Seven’s death. It took time to rebuild, but it was never the same as it once was. Both of you had suffered too many personal tragedies to become whole again,” A tear escaped, and he wiped it away.

“She didn’t tell me to seek you out and admit my feelings. What she told me was to never hang on to regret. If I chose to live my life alone, with you, or even with another person, I needed to do so with complete conviction. To own my choices instead of dwelling on them. It was the one thing she wished she had done. Living with so much regret had sacrificed her joy, along with any happiness she might have been able to find over the years. She didn’t want me to repeat those mistakes,” Looking into his eyes she said softly, “It’s the reason why I had to tell you how I felt, regardless of whether you felt the same way. I couldn’t bear the thought of not at least trying to move forward with my life, hoping it could be with you instead of letting the chance slip through my fingers again.”

Smiling through glistening eyes, he caressed her cheek before placing a tender kiss on her lips before allowing their foreheads to rest against the other’s gently, “I’ll be forever grateful you heeded that advice. I love you, more than you’ll probably ever know.”

Her lips curled into a smile, “I love you too, more than words can describe.”

His hand reached down to lower the back of the large lounger they were cuddled in as they mutually sought out the mouth of the other, tasting and exploring the familiar contours, their hands roaming the other's body and discarding what little clothing each of them were wearing as their bodies came exquisitely together under a blanket of stars. 

***

The federation colony on Xephnon may not have been as large as others but had grown steadily from its meager beginnings a hundred years ago as a small agriculture community. Now, it was a thriving multi-cultured metropolis with smaller towns surrounding it. There were plenty of things to do here, depending on a person’s interest.

For the last four months, she had taught class and spent much of the other, until recently, attending art galleries and local cultural events until it had become too tiring to do much more than going to class and home again. Her mother could barely contain her excitement when she informed her of Kathryn’s pregnancy nearly four months ago, having gotten pregnant sometime during the honeymoon and was now expecting a boy. She was happy for them and put on her most convincing smile to prove it. However, her hands wandered below the table during their conversation and rubbed the swell of her stomach.

She was expecting to give birth to a girl in a little over three months at present, a child she had not informed her family of. Hiding the evidence every time she spoke to them. She had known for close to two months before leaving, having taken the job to give herself more time to come to terms with her condition and wanted to avoid any opinions or interference.

She hadn’t taken any contraception injections for several months before sleeping with Albert, the thought not having occurred to her at the time. Had she been thinking rationally at all when she allowed it to happen, she wouldn’t be in this mess. Having sworn off relationship’s months before the incident, deciding it was no longer necessary. It hadn’t dawned on her until she missed her first period, that she remembered Albert saying he and Lilith were planning to marry as soon as she returned from the month-long mission and would begin trying for children right away, much the same way her sister and brother-in-law planned and accomplished.

Her thoughts wandered briefly to Albert and their afternoon of passion, along with the instant attraction she felt for him. She chalked the uncharacteristic breach in behavior to loneliness, a need for closeness and comfort. However, as time passed, she couldn’t stop thinking about him. His fine light blonde hair, green eyes, and handsomely rugged features. It was more than looks that had kept her mind constantly moving back to him, it was his kindness, his capacity for love and generosity, the concern he’d shown during his grief, and his gentle spirit. She responded to him, as much as to the passion he evoked in her.

Love was something she thought she’d never feel, and it had taken several months to recognize and confirm before accepting it. Albert had worked his way into her heart before she knew it and promised herself, she would never approach or tell him about their child. It would be too cruel considering the reason they came together in the first place. The last thing she wanted was for him to feel obligated because of an unintended pregnancy. Besides, he’d lost the love of his life, and felt it was neither right nor fair to lay any further complications at his feet so he could move on with his life and try to find happiness again.

Currently, she was stretched out on the sofa under a blanket with a round support pillow tucked against her lower back, giving a little relief from the pressure building there while reading a book about pregnancy and what to expect during and after. Also providing information on how to care for a newborn. She hadn’t expected to ever be a mother, but now that she was about to join those ranks, she wanted to know as much as she could on the subject to mitigate any surprises.

The apartment she’d been assigned was comfortable, but not as nice as the one in Indiana. She dreaded the thought of having to give it up eventually, knowing that one day her daughter would need a room of her own, but that was a bridge she would cross when necessary. It had taken years to decorate and refit the space with little luxury items she found made her life easier, like the huge clawfoot bathtub. It was something she and her sister had in common, long hot baths that allowed the mind to drift and any aching muscles to relax.

The sound of the door chime startled her, almost causing her to drop the book in her hands. Resting it against her stomach she gave entry, knowing it was probably Leeta. She was a neighbor who she’d made friends with shortly after her arrival, and once realized she was pregnant, stopped by every afternoon to make sure she had everything she needed. Often staying for dinner and conversation. It was something she had come to look forward to.

Hearing the door open, she continued to read with her back to the door and waited for the greeting she always gave upon entry. When none came, she turned her head to the side and called, “Leeta, is everything alright?”

“Hello Phoebe,” came a soft male voice, one she didn’t think she’d ever hear again.

Her immediate reaction was to turn toward it and stand up. However, neither had been attainable. The moment she saw his face, those kind green eyes and soft smile, the ability to attempt another go at it left her. She was completely stunned, her mind racing and chasing solutions that wouldn’t come.

“I didn’t mean to frighten you,” He said gently, keeping a respectful distance.

Her racing thoughts finally slowed down enough for her to speak, “Albert, how did you know I was here?”

The smile widened, “Your mother. I told her I needed to talk to you because you weren’t returning to your apartment. She advised me you had taken a temporary position here and would be back in a couple of months, but I couldn’t wait that long.”

“Why?” She asked cautiously.

Approaching her slowly, he knelt and offered his hand. Without thought, she gave it to him. His kind eyes penetrated hers, evaporating her will, “Because I’m in love with you,” he said and she immediately felt the air catch in her throat, “I couldn’t stop thinking about you, what happened between us. All the conversations we had that you don’t remember when Lilith and I attended your art exhibitions. I was drawn to your personality even then, but didn’t fall in love until after that afternoon,” his thumb caressed the back of her hand, “I thought I was going crazy at first and was told to give my feelings time to sort themselves regarding you and Lilith. I took that advice, and I’ve done my best to let go of every feeling I had for you both.

“It took some time to say goodbye to the life Lilith and I were planning to share, and part of me will always be in love with her. But my feelings for you kept getting stronger until I couldn’t deny them. I came here taking a huge risk that you may not feel the same, but I had to at least find out before the not knowing finally did drive me crazy,” he said with a laugh. Then shyly he asked, “Do you…think there could be…any chance for us?”

His eyes were hopeful, and she could feel herself wanting to give in to her feelings about him. He didn’t know she was pregnant. Between the blanket bunched up around her waist and the book lying across her stomach, hadn’t noticed yet. Soon, that would change, “I’m not sure you’ll still want to once you know…”

Confusion was etched across his face as she pulled her hand gently out of his, “Know what?” he asked.

Carefully, she pushed herself up to a sitting position and removed the book, closing it and putting it aside. Then she pulled back the blanket to reveal the swell of her stomach, her eyes taking in every detail of his expression. Immediately he was stunned, before disappointment and embarrassment encroached upon his features, “I’m sorry…I didn’t know you were already with someone.”

“No…there’s no one,” she corrected softly.

“I don’t understand,” his confusion only seemed to deepen.

He had come all this way, laid his feelings bare without knowing any of this. She couldn’t say he’d only said he loved her out of guilt or obligation. He was genuinely stunned, then disappointed when he interpreted the pregnancy as having moved on with another. It was the only reason she decided to admit the truth, regardless of what might happen after, “You gave me a gift the afternoon of the funeral, something unexpected that I’ve come to treasure.”

Gradually, a fusillade of understanding filtered into his eyes, “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

She smiled, a tinge of mischief, “That depends on what you think I’m saying.”

“You’re having our child?” He answered haltingly, full understanding beginning to permeate his consciousness. When her response was a nod, he looked back down at the swell of her stomach, wanting with all eagerness to reach out and touch the place their child was growing. His hand began to seek out the spot, and she didn’t pull away. The moment he laid his hands gently on her abdomen, tears began to fall from his eyes without warning, overwhelmed, “I never thought I could ever be so lucky again,” he managed to get out and looked up at her, love in his eyes. Tears were falling from hers upon seeing his feelings so openly, “I couldn’t love you any more than what I do at this moment.”

She was utterly moved by his admission and leaned forward, kissing him with fervor. He instantly matched her intensity. The movement of his lips on hers felt right this time, the passion and love he expressed were for her alone, and she reveled in it. Feeling, after so many wasted years of searching, that she’d finally come home.

***

Albert wanted to marry her before their child was born, but Phoebe had initially refused. Starfleet had been the source of many of her woes over the years, and the last thing she wanted was to become another widow of the fleet. Serving in Starfleet had been something he’d always wanted from the time he could remember. However, the losses he’d endured because of it and was due to lose if he persisted, began to far outweigh the gains. So, it hadn’t been a difficult decision when he decided to lodge his resignation.

He stayed with Phoebe in her apartment on Xephnon until her job had finished before heading back to Earth together. Once there, he could find a position as a civilian researcher in practically any number of scientific groups, and it would allow him to stay close to his new family. When he told her, he had agreed with her desire for him to resign, it was then she agreed to marry him and decided to elope.

When they returned to Earth, her mother and sister were shocked by the hidden pregnancy but didn’t push as to why she kept it a secret. It was her right to handle the situation any way she saw fit, so long as it didn’t put her or the baby in jeopardy. Phoebe and Kathryn had discovered they were alike in more ways than their history would have suggested.

Currently, they were seated on the front porch swing at their mother’s home in Bloomington, Indiana. Both women watched as their husbands helped their mother harvest vegetables from the garden. Phoebe was eight months pregnant; Kathryn six. Each subconsciously alternating between rubbing or resting their hands on their swollen abdomens, watching their mother interact with the men in their lives. 

“I suppose we’re both off the hook now,” Phoebe said quietly.

Kathryn’s lips curled into a lopsided smile, “I suppose we are.”

Phoebe chuckled softly, “She looks happier than we do.”

Kathryn chuckled along with her, “I know she is. She was up early this morning cooking a large breakfast and singing to herself. I haven’t heard her do that in years.”

Pondering, she said, “I’d like to ask you a question.”

“Okay,” she answered, and when she turned her head toward her sister, she was already gazing at her, an intense expression on her face.

“Would you be completely honest?”

The question made her pause, “That would depend on what you wanted to know,” she replied carefully.

Phoebe smiled, “You won’t have to divulge any Starfleet secrets.”

Returning the smile, she gave a nod, “Proceed.”

“Are you happy with every aspect of your life?”

“I don’t think anyone can be genuinely happy with every aspect, but I’m happy in all the ways that matter. I love my husband, my family. I have my career with the fleet, and I’m expecting a child I honestly thought I would never have,” her expression grew pensive, “Are you having doubts about yours?”

She shook her head, “No, and that’s what scares me. I’ve wanted the love Albert and I share for so long I can scarcely believe it’s real, that I’m still dreaming.”

Laying a hand over her sisters she replied gently, “You’re not dreaming. We’re both deliriously happy for once, and in the unique position of having children who will be so close in age, they’ll have a chance to grow up together.”

Phoebe laughed, “I hope they get along better than we did.”

Kathryn couldn’t help but share it, “For their sake, I hope that’s true.”

Suddenly her sister pressed both hands against the top of her stomach and released a soft pained cry.

“Are you alright?” She asked concerned.

Phoebe nodded and took a breath before replying, “Yes, she was stretching into my ribcage. It’s maddeningly uncomfortable when she does it. I feel like she’s squeezing every organ I have,” and released a relieved laugh.

Kathryn couldn’t help but sympathize, “I’ll tell you what I don’t like. Going to bed exhausted only to have him decide it’s time for baby Olympics, then spending the next ten minutes or more trying to get him to settle down so I can go to sleep.”

“If you think that’s bad, just wait until he turns, and his head is pressing down on your pelvic bone. I can never get completely comfortable anymore and standing for any length of time is nearly unbearable.”

“Great,” Kathryn replied with a frown, “something else I have to look forward to.”

Phoebe smiled, “It’s not all bad though. Most of the time, I do enjoy being pregnant.”

“I will deny it if you ever say anything to Chakotay, but I do too,” she replied, smiling conspiratorially.

Holding up her hand she answered, “I’m not ruining a good thing by telling anyone other than you. Albert is so attentive, the foot and back rubs I get are amazing.”

A lopsided smile graced her lips, “I have to admit I enjoy those too. Chakotay has always been good with his hands,” Phoebe’s raised her eyebrows suggestively. Quickly realizing how that sounded she replied abashed, “I didn’t mean it like that…but…now that you’ve insinuated it…”

They both began laughing hard, holding the other's hand as they leaned toward the other. Chakotay, Gretchen, and Albert were stepping onto the porch, the two men holding a wicker basket each of vegetables, all smiling but blissfully unaware of what their wives found so amusing.

“Care to let us in on the joke?” Albert asked.

“I wouldn’t bother Al. I know that laugh, you probably don’t want to know,” Chakotay replied then suggested, “Let’s get these into the kitchen,” he continued lifting the basket slightly. 

Gretchen opened the door for her sons-in-law before taking the seat which had opened up between her daughters and taking their hands, “You both picked wonderful men to spend your lives with. Your father would have loved them,” and gave a gentle squeeze.

“I see you’ve taken no time putting them to work,” Phoebe pointed out with a smile.

“That’s the advantage to having strong capable men around,” she replied happily, “So, how are my future grandchildren and their mothers?”

“Starving,” They replied together, then laughed again. 

“Well,” Gretchen said with a chuckle, “I won’t allow that in my house. Come on inside, I’m about to make dinner.”

Kathryn looked to her sister, “I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I’m getting out of this porch swing under my own power.”

“For once, we’re in agreement,” then laughed.

Both her daughters were happy, which in turn, made her happy. She couldn’t wait to hold her grandchildren, to be there for their births, and to help celebrate their entrances into the world. Pushing her daughters to find someone to share their joy with and then having children of their own allowed her to feel peaceful and content. She’d have to find a new life’s purpose now.

She thought about Edward and their life together. Each had made horrible mistakes, but the rewards they’d garnered from them more than made up for it. _“I’ve done the best I could honey,”_ she thought, holding their daughters' hands, _“When we see each other again, which I hope won’t be for a few more years, I want us to hold each other the same way we did during our first kiss, as though our whole lives were still ahead of us. I’ve done my best to carry on after you passed, my love for you can never be diminished.”_

“What is it, mother?” Kathryn asked, “You seemed light-years away for a moment.”

Squeezing her hand, she replied, “I was just thinking about your father and how he would have loved to be here with us.”

“I miss him.”

“Me too,” Phoebe agreed and clung to Gretchen’s hand a moment longer. 

All of them needed to feel the contact, to be reminded of all the good things in their lives, along with the wonderful, blissful, and fulfilling times to come. Tragedy had begun this journey, but the elation that followed would be persistent.

**The End**

**Author's Note:**

> Members, as well as guests, are free and able to leave comments on any of my work.


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